Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Heaven, Hell And The Rider In Between ...

“There will come a time in your life when you will have the power to choose. Not a forced choice or an ultimatum. But true power to choose how you will want to shape your destiny. And that point the man who chooses good becomes godly. And The man who chooses evil becomes monstrous.”
-The Book Of Prophecies.



Michael: Wake up Johnny. Wake up!
Lucifer: No johnny, stay asleep. Never wake up. Stay asleep.
Johnny: Where … where am I? Am I dead? What is this place?
M: This is purgatory johnny. And you aren’t dead. You are just in limbo.
L: Don’t listen to him johnny. He is lying. You are dead now. And you have no other choice but to come to me now.
J: Who are you two? What the hell is going on?!?
M: What is the last thing you remember Johnny? 
J: Only my mom called me Johnny. You can call me John.
L: Even in death, the kid’s got an attitude. I like!
M: What is the last thing you remember … John? Think hard.
J: I … I remember being in my car. I … I was in a rush. Yes, I was going very fast. Yes, I was breaking the signals, I was driving like a maniac!
L: Things which I love to do by the way! 
J: I was behind this huge truck and … and the truck wasn’t giving me any space to go ahead! I was honking and honking and when the truck didn’t budge I accelerated without seeing ahead. And then … and … Oh God!
L: Yes johnny, I mean john … you know what happened next, don’t you!? I will tell you what happened. You crashed you crazy son of a bitch! You crashed right into the car which was coming in the opposite direction! Luckily for you, the driver in the other car survived. I mean, he will eventually live.
J: I am dead. ain’t I?
M: As I said John, you aren’t dead, you are here with us now. Well, at least for the time being.
J: Why am I not dead? I should be dead. Why are you keeping me hear! Answer me!
L: Well john, this is the place where all souls come before ‘The Guy upstairs’ decides what to do with them. And I am Lucifer. The Son who betrayed my father and who was thrown away to the underworld. And this guy over here who is treating you like you are his lost son, is Michael. Michael the angel whom I am ashamed to call my brother as he was the one who banished me to hell all those millenniums ago.
M: Lucifer is right on all of that John. Al though I disagree with the language he uses, what he is stating are the hard facts. You were deep in anger when you roared your car’s engine to life! And then you were driving like you wanted to get killed. And well, you know what all happened next. So here you are. With us, in this Limbo. Waiting to be judged. Judged for all that you have done. And judged for all that you will do from this point on.

"The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."

A Few Hours Later …

J: This place really in purgatory. Isn’t it? I have been running for miles and there seems to be no end! It’s like I am stuck in a place where time doesn’t exist! 
M: All who have come here have felt the same way you have felt. It is natural to be in state of shock. 
L: Why are we wasting time in trying to know each other? John, this shit is real! This is happening right now and what is more important is what we are about to ask and tell you.
J: And what is that?
M: First you calm down. Take a deep breath.
J: Ok … I am calm. I am ready to listen.
L: Good boy.
J: I am not your boy.
M: Shut it Lucifer. Let me talk.
L: My lips are sealed.
M: John, we know everything about you. We know all that you have done till this very moment. We are angels. The first creation of god himself. And we always were told to listen to what he asked of us. And for centuries we have done that. We have never intervened or interfered in the life of humans. No matter how much love they shared and no matter how much blood they spilled. We have been watching over all of you since the beginning of time. But every now and then God picks one of you. He picks them for a purpose. A purpose which is far more greater than life or death. A purpose which altars the course of human civilisation forever.
L: In other words, Prophets.
M: Yes, prophets. And all of the greats who have shaped history have been here in this limbo, having this very same conversation with us. 
J: You mean … I am a … Prophet? You guys are more screwed up than I am! I am a nobody! I fix cars for a living! I am a loser. No one cares if I lived or I died. I had nobody ok. I … I …
M: You did have somebody John. You had Sarah, didn’t you?
J: Sarah … 
M: Yes, sarah, the only love of your life. We know all about her. She is a substitute teacher at the local high school. She has a kid brother. She works day and night so he can have a good life. Her car broke down one day, right in front of your garage. You were fixing one of those classic Mustangs you are always so much in love with it. But the moment she walked in and asked for your help, you fell in love with her right that moment. You knew that she was the only one you would ever love. And you both did find love in each other. You became her brother, Samuel’s best friend. When she worked you used to play video games with him. And on the weekends you three used to go to the park and have your very own picnic. You were a good man when you were with her.
L: You were a good man until the day came.
J: No … no, please don’t say it. Please don’t remind me of that day.
L: You had gone out of town. You didn’t tell her why. You wanted to surprise her, didn’t you? You wanted to win that Car race so you could buy her that ring and propose to her. Didn’t you? You did win that race. You did buy that ring. But when you came back …
J: Please don’t say it! Please don’t! 
L: You saw her in bed with another man didn’t you? And when you rushed in, she said it was her ex. Did she had a vulnerable moment. That her ex promised to take her back and marry her and take care of samuel and her. You were standing there and listening, weren’t you? You had tears rolling down your eyes but you did nothing. You just went back into your car and then you drove off. Didn’t you?
M: That’s enough lucifer.
L: I think good old john here is finally beginning to understand, aren’t you?
J: Yes, now I know. Now I remember. I remember everything. I always thought I was a loser. I had no friends. I had no one who could understand me and love me and make me happy. Until sarah came along. She was the answer I was looking for. But then, she broke my heart. She … she tore into pieces. She made drive that car. She made me this monster I am. She made this soul trapped in purgatory. Oh! I hate myself! I hate everything! Why me? Why me?!?
L: It is ok John. You are here now. And now, you can harness all that rage. Consume it and make it into a power you never thought you had!
M: Don’t listen to him John. He is only manipulating you. 
J: Maybe, I want to be manipulated.
L: That’s like my boy!

"Remorse: beholding heaven and feeling hell."

J: Take me to hell lucifer. That is where I belong.
M: I know you are in pain right now John. But anger isn’t the solution. Giving in to your hate won’t make the pain go away.
L: What do you know about pain Michael? You are god’s favourite child. 
M: Banishing you from heaven was the most hardest thing for me to do Lucifer. You are my brother and it broke my heart to do what I had to do. And that burden only I will have to carry for all eternity.
L: Oh …
J: I truly loved her, you know. But in the end, she betrayed me. Why?
M: Humans are capable of doing extreme things John. Humans can give in to violence or can have control over their peace.
J: But I never did wrong to anyone! I always kept to myself. I remember in school, all the boys made fun of me. And none of the girls would talk to me. I remember my mom telling me that no matter what the world throws at you, always smile back.
L: But underneath that smile, there was always a hidden anger. Wasn’t there?
J: Yes, there was. I always hated them. No matter how much I smiled on the surface, within, I hated them. And I never forgot what they did to me.
L: That is why you started learning about cars, didn’t you? So that one day you would become a great race driver and shut their pile hole.
J: Yes.
L: But life didn’t turn out the way you wanted too. Did it?
J: No.
L: That is why I am here John. I am here to help you.
J: How can you help me?
L: I can give you purpose again. I can make you use that rage and anger and make you my weapon. I can give you the justice. I can give you the power to Punish all those who made you suffer. I can make you the Demon all demons fear!
M: I know that Lucifer’s offer is tempting John. But just the way Lucifer has seen your hate, I have seen the good in you.
J: There is no good in me.
M: There has always been good in you John. Remember three years ago, when you were crossing the road and you saw an old lady getting hit by a car? You saved her, didn’t you? Even though you didn’t know her. You took her to the hospital. You gave her blood and you also paid for her bills even though you were already low on cash. That goodness doesn’t come from hate. It comes from love. So no matter how tempting Lucifer’s offer sounds, I want you to be a part of heaven’s army. I want you to be Messiah of heaven!
L: I have seen what happens to souls when they go to heaven. It is all bright and calm and sun rises and sun sets. But with me, in hell, I offer you it all. All the addiction, all the seduction, all the power and all the darkness a man can observe. And it never stops there! With me by your side, you live forever!
M: You are better than this John. I have seen it in you. I have seen the light within you. Amongst all that hate and fury, there was always a stillness in you. Always a part of you that was good.
J: One of you wants me to be the demon of demons and the other wants me to be a Messiah. Ok. It looks like I have made my choice.

"To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven."

J: Lucifer, when you reminded me of all the anger I have had, I actually remembered that even though I was always angry, I never used it to hurt anyone. All I did was hurt myself by keeping it in. And Michael when you reminded me of that old lady at the street, all I could feel was resentment and guilt ‘cause I had no power to avenge the pain that was caused to her. You both say I am a messiah. You both say that god chose me. So now, I say that I choose None of You.
M: What?
L: Come again?
J: You heard me, I choose neither. Neither heaven and neither hell. I choose to stay here in this purgatory until I make right of all that I have seen wrong. I know god is listening also. So you both tell him that I am staying right here.
M: Do you know what will happen to you if you say No? Your soul will be trapped in limbo forever!
L: You will be stuck here, all alone for all eternity! We are giving you a way out.
J: And that is what I don’t want. A way out. All my life I never dealt with the goodness or the evil in me. But now I will.
M: You will be sent back to earth! But not as yourself anymore. You will be … a ….a deformity!
L: Half Hell, Half Heaven.
J: All Rider!
M & L: …
J: Oh yeah, you heard me. I am going to be the Rider of earth. I am going to take your vengeance Lucifer and I will take your power to heal Michael and fuse it together and ride the earth for all eternity. I will now do what I was meant to do all those years ago.
M: This isn’t making any sense. This isn’t how it was suppose to be!
J: Everyone goes through hardships in life. Everyone’s heart’s gets broken. And all humans are deceived and hurt. But that doesn’t give us the right to hurt each other. I know it was my fault that I wasn’t good enough for Sarah. I have guilt that I let my mom die. I have rage that I couldn’t do things that I wanted to do. But now, I have a second chance. And I will make sure I fix the things I left unfinished. 
L: Why carry this burden?
J: Because I know I can. And I will. 
M: But you will be alone. You will have no one.
J: All my life I wanted people to look at me and talk to me and most importantly, understand me. But no one did. Today, that thought doesn’t make me angry. It makes me realise that I was meant to be alone to begin with. That some people just are.
M: What you are about to do is something no one has ever done before.
J: That doesn’t matter. What matters is what I have realised. What I am feeling right now. When I go back to earth. I promise to never hurt another soul again. And I promise to avenge the innocent. I know the price of this burden. That I will forever ride alone in the wilderness. But I will keep on going until I can’t any longer. I will fight until there is a single ounce of energy left in my body. I will be a ghost hiding in the darkness. I will be a stranger who’s name people would never remember. But no matter the pain and guilt this loneliness will give me, I will bare it. I will not quit. And I will do what I am set out to do. So hear this Lucifer and Michael, I am not the slave of good or evil anymore. I am a free man. I will not be tempted by lust or greed or darkness and I won’t be softened by love or compassion. I will do what is right ‘cause in the end, that is all that matters.

"Free will carried many a soul to hell, but never a soul to heaven."

Bravo John! Bravo!
John: Who was that?
Lucifer: It can’t be! He has never spoken to any soul before!
Michael: Well, he is now.
God: John, I am God.
John: So you heard what I said?
God: Yes I did. And to be honest I didn’t expect you to do what you are setting out in doing.
John: Oh Okie.
God: Before you go, I just want you to know that I have believed in you. That I was there, every step of the way. I saw your every move and I knew that one day, this moment would come. And today it has.
John: I am not changing my mind.
God: I have always given humans the choice of free will. If this is what you think is right then it shall be done. But do remember that I am very proud of you.
John: Thank you. I guess that’s the only thing appropriate to say now.
God: Your welcome John.
John: Uuuhhh … before I go, I just wanted you to know that your sons, Michael and Lucifer really love each other as much as they still love you. They may not show it but they still do. They are just too stuck up too admit it.
Michael: Ya right!
Lucifer: Jerk.
God: Thank you for telling me that John.
John: Oh ya and just one more thing.
God: What is it John?
John: I want My Ride.
God: :-)

"We never, ever judge someone on who's going to heaven, hell. That's the Almighty's job."

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I Am The Rider.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.


********************************************************************************************************

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Putting The 'H' In Zero ...

"In the end, it all comes down to the choice that you make. There, at the very bottom of the pit, in the depth of darkness, you are left with only two choices. Either to stay there, lost, beaten and destroyed. Or to rise like the Burning Phoenix."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.





So where do I begin? Do I tell you how I got here? Or should I start from where it all began? I honestly don’t know ‘cause I don’t know whether I have the power to motivate you or scare you. I don’t know whether my words will ever be understood by you. And I don’t know if my thoughts will ever make sense. But what I do know is that everybody fights. We all are fighting a never-ending war. The war to win. The war to make our dreams come true. The war to fit into society. And the War to just matter. So why would you want to read this blog? I have been labelled as a Star Kid, a Baboon and a Washed-Up Nobody who thinks he still has a chance. Why would you want to read these lines anyways? I will tell you why. ‘Cause underneath that thick exterior of yours, you know that I am just like you. You know that you and me are not so different. That in the end you and I have the same goal … To Survive. 

"Desire is the key to motivation, but it's determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal - a commitment to excellence - that will enable you to attain the success you seek."

I just turned 30 a few months ago. I remember an episode of Friends in which Jennifer Aniston’s character aka Rachel turns 30 and when she does realise it, in the birthday party thrown by her friends, she actually gets depressed that she has gotten old. That scene has been fixated in my brain since the very first time I saw it and I somehow started to believe that I would feel that exact same way. But when I did turn 30 and when I was surrounded by my friends and family and the people who loved me, I actually kinda liked it. And not only because I was surrounded in happiness but also because I realised that after all the mishaps and the wrongs and the failures I am still here. Did you read that? I said I am Still Here! So what does that make me? Well, it makes me just like you. it makes me a Survivor. A man who has seen defeat. A man who has been laughed at. And a man who wasn’t given a fair chance. But a Man who just never learned to give up. I am just like you. And you are just like me. You just don’t know it yet. :-)

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it."

Hollywood, Bollywood, Tollywood, Kollywood and whichever other ‘Woods’ there are out there, I know what they offer. I know how they lure us. I know what magic they possess. ‘Cause I have seen it. I saw it since the 1st day I was born. Both of my parents are from the Film Industry and the Surname I possess requires me to never introduce myself. I am the 1st in line among 4 and it rests upon me to carry on the torch what my Mother and Father have so proudly withheld for so long. As a son, it is my life-long dream to make them feel proud of me and I want to give my family all the happiness in the world. And even though I have faltered in more ways than one to make my dreams come true, in the core, I always knew that My intentions were true. That they mattered and even today, my dreams are still the very same they were when I first felt goosebumps. But what does a man do when he gets beaten up, every single time? What does he do when he still has to wait for a Fair Opportunity? Does he quit? Does he run? Or does he Fight back. I think me writing this blog gives you the answer that I chose to Fight back rather than quit or run. 

"Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way."

But this blog ins’t about me to be honest. It isn’t either a shallow attempt to gain your sympathy or earn your respect. This blog is about YOU. Yes. It is about you. ‘Cause when I see in the mirror and when that reflection looks back at me, I only hear these words, “Fight back! Fight Back! Fight Back!” And that is what I have been doing since the last 9 years! Fighting back. Every time I was laughed at I fought back. Every time I was spat at, I fought back and every time I was forgotten I fought back. Just like you have. Believe me, no matter how hard it may be for you right now to believe this, you coming this far after all the challenges that you have faced proves only one thing and that is that you are a Certified Bad-Ass! That’s right you heard me say it! A Certified Bad-Ass! You are human just like me but you have a Soul Of Iron. You may cry just like me but you have the Will of the Gods and you may feel defeat just like me but you have the drive of a Hero. So my friends, no matter people may call you. Whether it is a loser, an ass, or a never-will-be, remember, only YOU have the power to remove the ‘Z’ from the Zero and put a ‘H’ in the Hero. 

"I'll always use the negativity as more motivation to work even harder and become even stronger."

Nobody got it easy. Nobody ever will. All you have to do is get back up again. And trust me when your times comes, which I know it will, you will be ready for it. All soldiers are trained for battle but only the chosen few, Embrace it. I want YOU to embrace this. Embrace who you are. Embrace the struggle, embrace the rejections, embrace the chances lost. Embrace everything. And then use that power. Use that power to see who you truly are. We all have Goodness in us. But evil has it’s ways of making us believe that we aren’t worthy. But I tell you, evil is wrong ‘cause I have looked evil in the eye and I have won. I came back a better man, a stronger man and an honest man. It takes balls to stand by the truth. It takes balls to stick to your ideals and it takes some serious balls to sacrifice all that is in front of you to achieve all that you have dreamed off. So stick to it. Don’t quit ‘cause as Rocky said, “Nothing Beats You Harder Than Life”! But we have to keep fighting! We have to keep on believing that WE matter and together you and I can make our dreams come true. I remember during JIMMY I was reckless and I didn’t take care of Myself and for that I paid the price and for the next 2 years I was at home doing nothing. And then I got a chance to redeem myself with HAUNTED. But when Haunted clicked my Ego came into play and I became an Ass and for that I was again Punished. Then came ENEMMY in which I had put my hopes and dreams and I was convinced that after Enemmy there was no going back for me. But then again, destiny knew I wasn’t ready and yet again left me unemployed for 2 years. Now, finally I have this chance again in ISHQEDARRIYAAN. A movie I got completely out of the blue and straight out of luck. But I never considered myself to be lucky. I considered myself to be ready. And do you know why? After the failure of Enemmy I promised myself that I would never let one day go to waste. So I cried and I wept for days and then I wiped my tears away. I got up, looked myself in the mirror and said, “Let’s get to work!” 

"When you look at people who are successful, you will find that they aren't the people who are motivated, but have consistency in their motivation."

And that was 2 years ago. Since that day, I have made myself use to a plan. A plan of Giving and Investing time on myself. I scheduled myself with the hours of the day and broke my day down into segments. Whether it is my 30mins walks, my Mixed Martial Arts Training or My Diction and Voice Practice, I made time for them all. And now, when Ishqedarriyaan is only a few months away from release, I am upgrading my game plan. I have just started training with one of the best personal trainers Bollywood has to offer, {I am keeping that a secret until the time comes} I am making my own food, whether it is my Protein Shakes or my fruit smoothies or my grilled chicken breasts. I am also doing two Online Courses, one in Creative Writing from Gotham Writers and one in Astro-Biology from Coursera which is from the University of Arizona. I also have challenged myself to read 12 books in a year, {I know that’s less but it’s my 1st attempt} and I am already in my 4th book. I am investing more and more time in myself. And I know that investing time on myself means that I won’t be able to give time to others. But a promise is a promise and I standing by it. I hope, that slowly slowly, all the people I know understand that my dreams are more important to me than moments spent with them. And in time, they come to respect that. So today I stand at the crossroads Of Time waiting for an answer from Destiny. But until Destiny gives me my answer, I will give and I will sacrifice and I will push and I will never give up. And everyday I will remind myself that I will always have many idols who I will look up to but I will be My Own Hero.

"There's always the motivation of wanting to win. Everybody has that. But a champion needs, in his attitude, a motivation above and beyond winning."

So before I go all I wanna say is thank you! Yes. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for always being there. You may think why I am thanking you and how we are connected. Well, we have one common link and that link will always bind us together. Our WILL. Yes. Our will to always fight back. Our will to never give up. Our will to look at Destiny in the eyes and tell her that we aren’t going anywhere. That no matter how much destiny tests us, we will triumph. We will not go silent in the night. We will not pack our bags and go home and face defeat. We will grind, we will crawl, we will scratch our way but we will at the end of the day see the light! So dear readers, always remember that we matter. Our dreams matter. Our ideals matter. Our sacrifices matter. And yes, we all destined for greatness and yes, our time will come. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in the path that you have chosen to walk on. Have faith in your dreams and never stop. I know the road to success ins’t easy. it is filled with hardships and trials. But gather all your will. Gather all your strength and get back up! You heard me, Get Up! ‘Cause every Hero was once a Zero. But that Zero refused to ever give up. :-)

"I think it all comes down to motivation. If you really want to do something, you will work hard for it."

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I am Putting My ‘H’ In Zero.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.


********************************************************************************************************

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

War Daddy ...

“All Men Go To War. Only Few Embrace It.”

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.



There was a time when I used to post blogs every week. That phase of mine was only three years ago. But now, I don’t do that anymore. I guess back then all I wanted was attention from people who didn’t even care of my existence. Or maybe it was just my fear and insecurities which were telling me to ‘Post Every Week’. I look back at myself and only laugh at my own immaturities. This proves that in time all men evolve. And the wise amongst us understand this growth and only become better. I know I am a billon miles away from actually becoming a ‘Good’ person but I do know that I am on the right path to be so. Hope you all liked my last blog, ‘World War P’. I have decided that from this point on, one blog will be Fictional and the other will be Non-Fictional. This way, I can make my Fictional Writing a little better and also express myself and talk about my Evolution. Balance you see, Balance. I am a firm believer in it. And why do I believe in Balance? Well, ‘cause for starters the entire universe works in a certain balance and without that balance there is only chaos and I know that no one likes chaos. But balance works both ways. You give, only to be given. And when you aren’t given, you feel a void. A void which can’t be filled. But what if I tell you that I have found a way to fill that void? What if I tell you that you are the answer to all your questions? What if I tell you that once you embrace who you are, you feel complete? What if I tell you that once you realise that you are alone in your fight and war, you just don’t become a bad-ass … You become a War Daddy

"Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood."

Betrayal. It is a harsh word, isn’t it? No one wants to feel betrayed. Betrayal just doesn’t cause us hurt, it causes us a pain unimaginable. And we feel more pain and anguish when we come to know that we were betrayed by the ones we love. No wonder Treachery is the worst and deadliest of all sins and is found in the last and ninth circle of Hell! Well, betrayal is what I am feeling now. Of course, I would love to spill out all the details and disclose all the names and the people and the incidents behind this betrayal of mine but I know that by doing that I won’t be any different from the people who have betrayed me. I have a choice now. To either unleash a Fury scorched and fuelled by vengeance or to either stay still and become silent. I choose the latter. Why the Silence you ask? Well, ‘cause for all these years the only thing I have been doing is screaming for people to understand me and not let the pain come back. But all those attempts have only proved to me that people are flawed and they are selfish even though they don’t admit they are and they will always and I mean always choose their own happiness and priorities over yours. Don’t get me wrong, I am a selfish prick also. In fact, one of the worst out there but I know there was always a part of me which wanted to give and whenever I did give I felt happy. Happy in giving my time to others. Happy in helping others. Happy in surrendering my feelings and joys and fears with others. But all I am left with right now is a dark anger and a whole world of hurt. I want to confront them. I want to tell them how much pain they have caused me. I want them to feel this pain and anger also. But I know I won’t. I know I will choose to burn alone. I know I will choose to keep this wrath inside of me. For people whom I have hurt in the past, this is a victory lap as for them Karma has finally succeeded and I am being punished for my sins. But you know me, I will use these emotions. I will remember everyday the pain I have been caused. And I will use all that anger as my fuel. I will consume myself with all that hatred. I will give in to my darkness. And from a boy who just wanted to fight and win the race, I will become a man who will embrace his war and become a War Daddy.

"Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, and brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory."

Someone very close to me told me a while ago that all this War and Fighting are just my Immaturities and signs of me never willing to 'Grow Up'. Of course, at that point of time I was heartbroken by what I had heard. But today, after this time in my solitude, I understand that people never actually got the facts right. They never could really decipher the code. They never could actually solve the puzzle that is Me. Yes, some of them loved. Some of them truly loved. But you see, loving is not enough. Love isn’t the ultimate answer or the strongest weapon a person can have. A person is only complete when he or she truly understand themselves. When they truly consume themselves. And when they truly accept themselves or the people who matter to them. Today, I know I have understood myself and the people with whom I come in contact with on a daily basis. Today, I know who I am and I know what I am good at. I am the Lone Wolf. The Ronin who walks alone the path which is in front of him. The man who embraces his War and comes out a Giant. And in my defence I know I have tried. In all these years, I have tried so hard to fit in. To mingle. To be social. To be ‘chilled out’ and take each day as it comes. To be ‘Normal’ as they say. But every time I have ventured into the world of the social man I have felt a tingle inside of me. Like a nerve in my brain twitching and telling me that I am not complete by fitting in. A voice screaming inside of me and reminding me that I was born to stand out. And after all these years of trial and error I have finally come to the conclusion that I am in fact a War Daddy. Whether it is my competitive spirit  or my ‘Never-Give-Up’ attitude, I know that I am the man who loves to fight. And a man who loves his war. A man who deserves the title of War Daddy.

"To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace."

So what is a War Daddy? Is he the courageous leader which Brad Pitt portrayed in Fury? Or is he the Silent yet Lethal Sniper Chris Kyle which Bradley Cooper played with an exceptional performance in American Sniper? For me, a War Daddy is a man who is a combination of both. A man who is so tuned with himself that he realises that all he needs is his War and his will to Fight. That is what a War Daddy truly is and that is who I wanna be. Now, I have reached a stage of complete knowingness of myself. I am now calmer than I have ever been. And most importantly I am now Self-Reliable. I always wanted to be Self-Reliable. I always wanted to be Self-Dependant but at the back of my head, I always knew that I wasn’t strong enough. That when negativity and sadness clouded me, I always gave in to care, support and love from others. But recently I went through a Transitional phase for the very first time in my life and at that time, I truly needed those people. The people who always ’Stood’ besides me. Who were always ‘There’ for me. But as you guessed, no one was there. Even though that may seem sad, it was an eye-opener for me. It was somewhat of a Revelation for me. And after I went through that, I promised myself that I will never hurt anyone again and neither will I ever let anyone else hurt me again, no matter even if I have to be alone for the rest of my life for it. I have come to realise now that all the Choices we make define us and make us who we are. And that is why I have made the decision, {FINALLY} to fight this war on my own. And since I have made that decision, I know a power in me has been unleashed and for the first time in my life and I am seeing the power that I possess. They say, “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.” I have made my choices and I have chosen my path. I don’t choose to be a Mere Mortal. I choose to be a War Daddy.

"If we desire to avoid insult, we must be able to repel it; if we desire to secure peace, one of the most powerful instruments of our rising prosperity, it must be known, that we are at all times ready for War."

A person I knew who was once suffering from cancer told me that I am a spoilt brat and that I don’t cherish my life. Oh, how much I wish to show her that I am now finally happy. Happy in my own solitude. Happy in my war. So does this blog change anything? Does this blog awaken the truth in you? I don’t know. And I may never know. But I hope it does. I hope you become stronger than you were yesterday. I hope you become a Good person. I hope you never hurt anyone and never get hurt again. I hope the universe blesses you with abundance and joy and prosperity. And I hope that in the end, you find peace. Today is a Wednesday night. The worker bees must be dead tired from work while the younglings must be waiting to paint the town red. Me on the other hand, I am home. I mean, I choose to be home in my own solitude. I am already planning my tomorrow. I have always been called a ‘Planner’ and too ‘Organised’ to enjoy the life bestowed upon me. But I see it otherwise. I see myself as a man on a mission. A mission to become the very best version of myself. I see myself grinding and giving and sacrificing everything that I have and that I am to achieve my dreams. I envision the Perfect Mahaakshay in the mirror. The man who faced the trials of life, who faced all the hardships and the man who in the end triumphed, All By Himself. So yes, for me, I am a War Daddy. I am in love with my War. I am in love with the joy of Fighting. I am in love with this Purity in me. I am in love with this Loneliness. Here in this battlefield is where I truly find myself. This is the place where I roar. There is where I am the King. This is where I was meant to be. And I will fight. Until there is a single ounce of fight left in me, I will fight and I will never stop. I will not quit. And I will never give up.

"I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation. War is hell."

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. But now, you can call me War Daddy.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

********************************************************************************************************

Thursday, 18 December 2014

World War 'P' ...

“All Men Have Animals In Them. And Sometimes They Just Need A Push Of Competition To Unleash Them.”

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.



It was a sunny day in Mumbai. For a change it wasn’t that hot either. The wind was blowing from time to time and the drivers in their cars were showing mercy to each other by not pressing the horn every second. The ambience was just about right. Well, right enough for the events that were about to follow. For most of the mumbaikers it was just another day. But for these 12 individuals, a day of sports, fun and adventure became a day when boys became men. Or should we say, when men unleashed their true animals in the face of competition.

Note:

The Following is inspired from actual events.

The names of the men and women have been changed in order to conceal their true identities.


Chapter 1:

The Preparation …

It was decided that among the 15 men who wanted to play Paintball, only 12 would enter the gaming area. Amongst these men were the ones who have been here before and there were few who would be playing this game for the very first time. After the Camo suits and helmets with scratch marks were given to the men, their names were called out one by one to confirm their part in the games. Hands were raising one after the other and in the echo you could hear shouts and screams of excitement from the crowd which gathered around to see 12 men pierce paintballs at one another at a speed of nearly 75 kms per hour. At first, all these 12 men where psyched and pumped for the adventure that lay before them. But as soon as they entered the arena and heard the crowd roar, some of them started to second guess themselves. Amongst these men was Veer. A handsome young man stepping inside the arena for the very first time. From a distance you could see veer standing all in confidence and sheer positiveness. But if you had a closer look at him, pass through his beard, you could see that he was afraid and his fear grew more and more when he was hearing the referee pass on the basic instructions. “Your helmet is for your protection. You remove it, is on you!”, “Always stay 10 feet away from the enemy.”, “And whether you like it or not, these paintballs when hit, really hurt and sting.” These were the Basic instructions which were heard by the 12 men participating on that day. But unlike Veer, Michael had already heard those lines a year before. He wasn’t a rookie anymore. But a man determined to defeat the enemy at any cost. And even though he was already sweating cause of the heavy armour he was wearing, he was just silently waiting for the referee to finish his duty and get on with the match. Once the instructions were laid out, the teams were told to go their respective zones and wait for the whistle for the games to begin. The teams did as they were told and waited with awaited breath. While some were in a state of fear, others were engulfed in a rush of adrenaline. But all of them had one thing in common. The urge to win at any cost.


Chapter 2:

Capture The Flag …

The teams were in place. Their boots were pressing the hay beneath their shoes. The crowd was waiting with excitement. Veer and his team were the ones in the Blue and Michael and his team were the ones in the Red. All the Paintball guns were the standard edition series with a single trigger mechanism which fired one bullet every time the trigger was pressed. The guns had 250 balls in them and the only way to win the 1st game was to go and collect the flag which is placed in the centre of the arena and come back to your base without a ball splashing up in your armour. If you are hit then you are eliminated and then any other member of your team of the other team should go through the same process until one team wins. Team Red was all pumped-up and ready to take the Flag. Too much was on the line this time as Team Blue had openly challenged team red and insulted team red to kinda break their morale. Maybe in some deep level of the sub-conscious, team blue may have gotten their way but there was no way team red was going to let that affect their judgement. Team Blue did have Rick on their side. From appearance Rick looks like an ordinary joe with pyjamas and wearing Superhero Tees. But his brain is a completely different story all together. He is what we call an Intelligent Human Being who believes that planning and strategising things instead of going out all guns blazing is a more calculative and effective way of winning. That kind of an intelligence was something Team Red didn’t have. If this Paintball competition was being placed in America, it would had been called the Jocks V/S the Nerds. But now, there were only seconds away from the first match and before they could raise their guns and get ready, the whistle blew and the game began. From a 3rd person’s point of view, it was a sight like out of a movie. Well, the movie 300 to be more precise. These 12 men starting rushing towards each other and as soon as they saw each other in their sights the balls started flying in the air and hitting the pavements and the walls and the bunkers which were kept for cover. Team blue looked as if they were looking for cover more than hurting the enemy. But Michael from Team Red took advantage of this and ran for the flag. Within seconds the flag was in his hands and he was running back to his base. it was literally like an action sequence from a movie. Michael was running and dodging the balls while his team was giving him covering fire. Team Red took advantage of the panic and confusion of team blue and within the next 20 seconds Michael reached his Base with the Flag and emerged victorious. The crowd erupted in cheers and joy! Team Red themselves couldn’t believe they won so fast. But all of them knew that this victory would only ignite the animals in Team Blue.


Chapter 3:

Elimination …

The 1st round belonged to Team Red. The team was in high spirits and all pumped up and ready for Round 2. The elimination round. In this round, the players from both the teams have to make sure that their opponents have been hit by the balls and the balls should splatter on impact. Until the impact has been confirmed by the referee, the match continues. So, both the teams were ready and both were planning the break down, as to how to defeat the enemy. Al though Veer was shaken and trembling after Round One, he was closely listening to Rick from behind his helmet. In team Red, Michael was giving firing positions to his squad and he told Rambo aka the Builder to be at point and distract the enemy while Bub aka Nice Guy and Shane would come from around the corner, pass the tyres to lay down the enemy. All the plans seemed to be in place and then for the second time in the day, the whistle was blown and the round began. For the first 5mins, both the teams were playing it safe and crouching themselves behind the rusted bunkers and the tractor tyres. But as the minutes passed by, both the teams started getting more aggressive. In a matter of seconds players from each team were hitting each other and getting eliminated left, right and centre. It was a war zone. Well, a paintball war zone and everyone was just trying to hit each other. But when Michael and Rambo were ducking behind the old, ruined jeep, Michael felt Vapour appearing inside his helmet. He knew that would become a distraction for him and he made the call of going out and cleaning his helmet. The referee, seeing Michael’s hand raised paused the game for Michael to leave the premises. The players at that point of time got a moment of rest and recuperation from blazing paintballs firing every where. A minute later, Michael wore his helmet again and was back in the battlefield. But what happened next was completely unexpected. As soon as the game resumed Michael peeked out to find Rick, who was hiding behind a cemented wall and in that very instant Michael got hit on his helmet with the ball hit by Rick and before he knew, Michael was eliminated, mid way through the elimination round, the same Michael who bravely captured the flag in the 1st round. Al though, Michael was hugely disappointed by his carelessness, he didn’t give up hope on his team and his team, including Bub aka Nice Guy and Rambo were doing as planned and laying down their paintballs to team blue. But this time around members from team blue, including Rick, Veer and Kill John aka Hacker were suppressing huge amounts of fire on team red. It looked like Team Blue was taking the win but fortunately, time ran out and the referee decided the 2nd round to be a Draw. Things were beginning to heat up as both the teams were now high in adrenaline and both knew that the 3rd and last round would surely declare the winner of this hellish war.


Chapter 4:

Balls Out …

Then came the final round. The balls out round so to speak. In this round both the teams have to empty their weapon cartridges in to the enemy until their ammo runs out and by the end of the round whichever team has the highest hits on the other, that team emerges victorious. And if or the other team manages to hurt their opponents to the extent that they can’t compete anymore. Both the teams now became very serious. You could see the intensity in their eyes. Both wanted to win equally. While team blue wanted to defeat team red, team red wanted to kick team blue’s ass right to timbaktoo. The crowd was also excited and people even started laying bets on which team would win. The referee called out and said, “Are the teams ready?” All the players gave the signal of a yes by nodding their heads and standing in a fierce position. The whistle blew just seconds later and the 3rd round was on it’s way. Bub, Rambo and Dick aka The Designer went balls blazing ahead and were very soon bombarded with paint balls and within moments where put to rest. They were really hurt and due to the pain they were unable to continue. This put team blue in the advantage and this was a sign for the end for team red as team red only had two members left. Michael and Lucky. As team blue was closing in on team red, Veer became excited and started doing the victory dance even before the round was over. The crowd knew that was the very first time, Michael would be witnessing his humiliating defeat. But then, amongst the cheers and the roars, Michael became still. Behind the iron-clad wall which he used for cover, he saw that he only had 30 bullets left and only one other team mate to plan an assault. But Michael didn’t call out for lucky. He just sat there and closed his eyes. And with his eyes closed, sweat rolling down his cheeks and his fingers at the trigger he searched for the voice within. He searched for the Warrior within. The man whom he has been with since he was a child. The warrior who inspired him to fight and to always win. The soul which he knew was made of steel. And the will which was forged through battles. And then Michael did the unthinkable. He removed his helmet and through it across the area from team blue was closing in. {Al though that would put Michael at great risk and an elimination from the referee if the referee thought it was getting too dangerous for Michael.} Seeing the helmet come towards them put team blue in a state of confusion. Was Michael quitting and letting team win or was this a sign that the match is over? And before they could come to a conclusion, they saw Michael emerge from the wall. “Lucky, covering fire!” he yelled and all the heads turned towards the right where Lucky was hiding. Within mili-seconds Lucky laid down nearly two members of team blue and before team blue could understand what was going on, Michael started firing and with perfect precision took out two more members of team blue. Veer, found cover behind a pile of tyres and Rick also found the same hiding place, just nearly missing the barrage of bullets which were being fired in his direction. It was now 2 on 2 and with only 60 seconds left on the timer, the crowd became silent. Even the wind stopped moving. It was like God put a pause on the rotation of the earth and he, himself was waiting how this round would turn out. When Michael came to check on Lucky, he knew that Lucky wouldn’t be able to continue as Lucky was hit multiple times on the leg and he wouldn’t be able to continue. As lucky was taken out of the arena by the referee he gave one last look to Michael. And with that Michael knew what he had to do. Michael took 3 deep breaths and fixed his eyes on the hiding position of his enemies, giving them, the 1,000 yards stare. It was like a Tiger waiting for his prey. But now, instead of the prey to come close, the Tiger would leap for the kill. And then when Veer and Rick were ready to finish the match by eliminating Michael, Michael jumped above the tyres right in the line of sight of Veer and Rick and before they knew it, he took them out with the 10 bullets he had left. Right then, the whistle blew and the round and match were over and the people sitting in the stands jumped high with celebration as they saw an exhilarating match with Warriors giving it their best all in the name of competition.


Chapter 5:

Conclusion …

The match was over and in the end Team Red won. All the men later congratulated each other and thanked each other for the great experience they had just a few moments ago. Al though Michael was bruised and battered by the falls and the dodges, he knew this was his best Battle yet. And when team Red raised their hands in Victory and Roars of Claps and Hoorahs when silent from the crowd, Michael went aside, to a lone corner and stood still with himself. He knew that was only a Paint Ball Game. That this was nothing like Actual Warfare, where brave men and women put their lives on the line. And even though all the others will laugh and drink and tell tales about this day for only a few passing moments in their lives, this victory, this moment would always and forever be a part of Michael. For Michael knew that he was always chosen by the gods. Chosen to fight and endure and persevere and to never give up. He knew he had a warrior in him and he knew that by by playing and winning this Paintball Match there, on that day was only the beginning of the conquest, the warrior within him had. Before he was about to leave and join the rest for Beers and Pizza, he just looked up at the Blue Sky and said, “Thank You.”


The End.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.


"Courage, above all things, is the first quality of a warrior."

****************************************************************************************************

Friday, 24 October 2014

Nothingness ...

“We think we control our fates. That is, in a way a good thing. But sooner or later, when we do face our destinies, we realise that the seeds of our journeys, were sowed in the soil, the very moment we came into existence.”

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty


Being here in coimbatore brings back a lot of memories. The good and the bad. But I choose to remember all the good ones ‘cause they make me smile. My maid, Kala Akka still makes lovely coffee and the Parathas and Mysurpa still taste amazing and make my mouth water with the thought of eating them over and over again. Al though there is no 3G in the area we live, I relish the 10pm meet I have with the stars every night that I am here. I go up to the terrace, look up at the beautiful night sky and talk to the stars. My dad taught me this custom and I do it every time I come here. All the posters from my room have been removed but one Punisher Poster still stands tall. I think it is a like a sign or a signal from the universe reminded me and telling me that no matter what happens, I should always stay the course. The course I set out to make true nearly 9 years ago. So what does this mean? What does it signify? Well, before I answer all those questions i must state out the fact that, this is the longest I have stayed away from writing my blog entries. I guess this is my 1st ever official writers block. I guess there is a first time for everything. For all those who waited for my entries, I apologise to you. But I am happy to be back and I am happy to say that I have realised that if you write once, you will write forever. :-)

"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing."

We are only two months away from Comic Con and me and my sister have already started to make plans for our costumes. Hopefully we will be there for all the three days and our friends have told us that they will be coming for it as well. I am certainly looking forward to it and what makes me more happier is the fact that my pic and costume from last year has been officially selected for the Comic Con home page. It is such an honour for me. Why you may ask is this cultural phenomenon so important for me while for others it is a place for boys who never learnt to grow up? Well the answer to that is that in 2005, when I was 1st introduced to The Punisher, I never knew that one day I would dress up as him and appear at Comic con. With the comments and appreciation I got for it, I knew I payed my homage to the man who saved me all those years ago. But I also must say that when I had made all those promises to The Punisher back in 2005, I wasn’t loyal to many of them. No matter how hard it is for me to say this, I knew I was a hypocrite for a very, very long time. I kept on lying to myself and I kept on deceiving my very own soul for the mere temporary happiness and pleasures of life. But now, when I am at this very important crossroads of my life, where, very soon, I would have the answers I have asked destiny to give me, I know I have become the man I had promised Frank Castle all those years ago. Today, when I see that Poster shining bright on the wall, I can proudly say that after all these years which were filled with lies and deception, I have finally come to my own truth. I have finally become Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude."

I just finished reading two very amazing and gripping books. One was ‘I Hunt Killers’ and the other was ‘The Snowman’. Both were based on serial killers and both in their own way kept me hooked on to them till the very end. I should thank Goodreads and my bro for suggesting me those books. And now, in fact, just today I started reading this book called Fives And Twenty Fives, which I picked up from the airport. And once I am done with that, I will start reading American Sniper. Both again are books based on War. War … I know I have used that word more than a 1,000 times already in my blogs and if you come to know me more, I am the guy who is obsessed with war and fighting. I know this doesn’t count much but recently me and my friends went to play Paint Ball and again, for the second time in a row, me and my team won under my captainship. I know it is nothing like actual war where instead of paint balls real bullets are coming your way, but nonetheless I really enjoyed the entire experience. You can say it was my version of Fantasy Football or maybe my own live-action Call Of Duty moment. Whatever it was, I somehow felt very calm in the conflict. I felt fearless and ready for battle. And even though I stumbled and fell and bled, I was pumped up with adrenaline, than shaking with fear. And guess what? I am all ready for Round Three. I guess I am a War Junkie. Well, for now, a Paint Ball Junkie. :-)

"You're going to go through tough times - that's life. But I say, 'Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.' See the positive in negative events."

What is nothingness? Is it a feeling? Or a state? Or a sense of being? To be honest I don’t know what it is exactly. But what I do now is that it is a state where I am right now. Have you ever felt it? Have you ever felt nothing? No love or hate. No good or evil. No joy or sorrow. Have you ever felt it? I am feeling it right now. Or maybe what I should say right now is that I am NOT feeling it. And this is a state in which I always wanted to be in. Since 2005, I always wanted to know how it would feel like to feel nothing. Just like Frank has felt. A state of nothingness. A sense of having complete control over your emotions. A sense of power over yourself. Today I am feeling this or maybe a part of me has felt it for a very long time now. But does this nothingness make me a bad person? A monster? A sinister being? Most people think it does. I don’t. I feel it is good to feel nothing. And sometimes it is better to feel nothing than to feel sad and cry and turn weak. I used to be like that you know. Weak and little and puny. I always thought i wasn’t but the truth is, I was always in a constant need of care, love, attention and affection. But now, at this crossroads in my life, where I am waiting for my answers, I don’t feel anything. I just stand here and wait. I wait and I observe. I take in the stillness of this emptiness. I consume the nothingness and make it my power. I see my reflection in the mirror to see a sign of something. Something human. But no, I don’t see it. I see a man with no soul. With no feelings. And when that realisation arises within me I don’t get scared or angry. i just stand there, staring at myself. No, I am not going crazy. I can say, I am evolving. Evolving into the Mahaakshay Chakraborty I had sought out to be all the way back in 2005.

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

So what is writer’s block? I am kinda feeling bad that I had this block. But maybe when you are in a state of nothingness you don’t feel that shitty about it. Right now, ‘Diamond Eyes’ is playing on my playlist. I remember every word from this song and this song certainly comes in the top 100 of my all-time-greats. I don’t know what it is with me and action that I connect so deeply with it. Whether it was the other day playing paint ball and standing tall even when the balls were piercing through my skin or whether it was me playing Ryse:Son Of Rome and slaying all my enemies with those amazing execution kills, Me and Action have a Soul Connection. Maybe being here, in the outskirts, in the house where I stayed all those years ago, the place which was the birth place of the real Mahaakshay Chakraborty, I ask myself the questions I always wanted but afraid to hear the answers too. And the one question which tops that list has always been, “Who Am I?” … So who am I? Do you know who I am? Do anyone of you have the answer to that question? Nope, I guess not. But maybe I do. You see, since the awakening of 2005 I have been trying to understand myself. And to this date what I have understood is that I am a War Junkie and I flourish in competition and success is my destination. Whether when I was only 8 years old and tried to beat everyone in cricket or whether it was the other day in go-karting when I beat my friend right at the end of the race, I know and I am convinced that I am a guy who loves fighting. No wonder I feel home when I am in the gym and when I practice Mma and no wonder everyone wants to take me out in paint ball ‘cause they know that I love pain and I dwell on it. 

"I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening."

So what does a man do besides waiting in this nothingness? Well, I don’t know what the other nothing-individuals must be doing but what I am doing is learning. Yes. Learning and Observing and Asking the Questions. People say that an empty mind is the devil’s workshop and in order to keep those thoughts away, one must always stay busy in activities. And that is what I do. I read. I write. I blog. I watch Tv Shows and Films. I play Video Games and I spend time with myself. You see, we should first be best friends with ourselves and only then can we make others our friends. Writing this blog and paragraph right now, I know I am only with my thoughts. And for me, that is a good thing. I never knew that I would come to this junction of my life even though, all those years ago in 2005, I wanted to be this guy. As they say, we can either choose to do the popular thing and be loved by all or we can choose to do the right thing and be left misunderstood. I would want to do the right things in my life. Well, at least the things that I feel are right for me. And that is why I will return to the gym soon. That is why I will diet. That is why I will find a way to do Mma again. That is why I will still hear my favourite rock songs and get pumped. And that is why there is still a fire in me. After 8 years of struggling and waiting and facing rejection, that fire still burns in me. And now, it burns brighter than ever, ‘cause the voices in my head still tell me to hold on. They still tell me to fight. They still me to never give up. And that is what I do. I will make steel taste skin. I will make blood feel like sweat and I will get up again. No matter how many times I have fallen down, I will get up again. The famous fighter in the ring can have the crowd on his side but what amazes the famous fighter is not that the guy he just tried to knock down got up again. What amazes him is that even after receiving the beating of his life, his opponent has got the Heart of a Champion and his Opponent refuses to Give Up. So you see, a man can evolve in this nothingness ‘cause only when you are empty from within can you fill yourself with the power that will one day define you.

"I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing."

‘Fives And Twenty-Fives’. I am so happy I bought that book. I know, I know. I have already mentioned about the book above but the more I am reading it, I am feeling a deeper connect with it. I still ask myself that question, that why is it that I have this deep connection with War ?!? Till now, I haven’t gotten that answer. But I know it is a spiritual connection. Like today I was reading this chapter in the book in which the Marines are going from one city to another and on the way, they have to always stop in case they feel there is an IED threat further ahead. For all of you that don’t know what IED means, it is the short form for Improvised Explosive Device. And in the chapter when the author was explaining the entire scenario with the Marines suddenly set in action by the insurgents and bomb threats, I was feeling like I was there with them. And instead of panic I was feeling a sense of calm. Like a sense of belonging. And I was happy there, with them. I don’t know how to explain this euphoria to you but as I said, this is who I am and I am defined by my fight. Maybe one day people may take me up as an example and say that we get inspired from Mahaakshay ‘cause he taught us to never give up. Maybe. I don’t know. But I really wanted to write this down. This soul connect I feel. And I know this won’t be the last time I will write about it either. I guess feeling nothing and being nothingness does have it’s advantages. :-)

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."

I feel there is nothing wrong in this nothingness. You just wait and let the world move forward. Before I used to think that this wait is like a curse set on me. But now, my opinion has changed. I am seeing the pros in this wait. Sure the world is moving ahead and boys who I consider my juniors are progressing more in their lives than I am. And all my peers are either settling abroad or are getting married. And even though this may seem like I am trapped in an oblivion of darkness and uncertainty, I am enjoying the Nothingness I am in ‘cause I am getting to do the things i won’t be able to do when I will start getting busy. Like for example I am loving the new hair cut I got and the way I style my hair every day before I step out and also the way I make my beard like Tony Stark. I am loving the way I casually dress up and I am also so truly grateful for the moments I spend with friends and family. And to top that, one of my favourite time zones during this wait in this nothingness is when I play my Video games. Whether it is the Playstation 4 or the Xbox One, those times with the remote control in my hand and the Dolby Digital Sound blasting the roof off, are the times I cherish the most. And you know what? In this Nothingness I have also picked up watching some great new shows on Tv! So you see, there is also a positive in every thing. All we have to do is find it. :-)

"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."

I find this Nothingness as a great sign. As a positive signal from the universe. The reason I am here, in this nothingness is because I know I have to start fresh. I know I have to make things right. I know through all my ordeals, through all the horrible mistakes I have made and the people I have hurt and the joys I may have given to the few, I know I have to be here, in this nothingness, to start over, to begin anew, to make myself better and evolve into the good and into the man I was destined to be. Sitting here and writing this final paragraph in this very long blog, I know the change has come. And I am glad it has come. And in order for things and people to change they have to be alone. They have to be with themselves and realise and see the change in themselves. And that is what I am doing. This is my remedy. This is also my Punishment and this is also my Redemption. Here, in this place, I know I have everyone. I know I have love and care and concern of others. But I know that the journey which I promised to take all those years ago in 2005 has actually begun now. I know I have many miles to go before I sleep. I know that this place is where I belong now. And even though I know that I am not lonely, I know I have to be alone. For the greater good. For the people in my life and for myself. So I thank you all for reading this blog and the blogs I have written before this and the ones I will write after. Thank you for bearing me and trying to know the man I am. And my dear and near ones, I thank you all for the love you have given me. I thank you all for forgiving me and sticking by my side when no one else was there. Thank you for being the way you are. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. :-)

"Nothing will work unless you do."

And as for me .. Well, I will be here in this nothingness as long as it is required for me to be so. I will be here and listen to the silence within. I will be here and ask the right questions and wait for the right answers. I will be alone and find the fire and will in me to make my flesh grind with iron. To rise up before the sun and make the roads my own. To look myself in the mirror and see the monsters go away. To feel the calm and become the best of friends with myself. I will be here in this nothingness and make it home. I will be here and finally become one … with The Universe.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.




********************************************************************************************************