Sunday, 20 April 2014

Tales Of A Bad-Ass ...

"I Believe We All Have A Certain Rebel In Us. A Bad-Ass Who Wants To Break Free."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

If you search ‘Bad-Ass’ in an online dictionary, you will find the description as “Distinctively Tough Or Powerful: So Exceptional As To Be Intimidating.” If you ask me, that is a very cool meaning and even cooler for the men who have been honoured by that Title and Recognition. If you ask me how I thought about writing a Blog upon Bad-Asses, well it was because I got inspired from this song I have on my iPod. I don’t know what is the title of the song but it was used as an Entrance Theme for a Ufc Fighter in one of the Pay-Per-Views I saw a while back. If you hear the song, even you will feel like a Bad-Ass cause the lyrics are very inspiring. Basically, the song is all about telling your enemy or opponent that you are no match for me and this place is my yard. This is where I rule, not you. And you are a just a novice and an amateur. And there is a hard-core line in the song which goes as, “You Don’t Pee With The Puppies And Crap At The Big Dogs Yard.” So after hearing that amazing song I guess the Bad-Ass in me also got awakened and I thought that this blog should be my tribute to all those Bad-Ass Men I look up to and also to the Bad-Ass term itself. 

"Man is the unnatural animal, the rebel child of nature, and more and more does he turn himself against the harsh and fitful hand that reared him."

Whether it was the Greeks, the Romans or the Spartans, all men in history have shown a certain trait of a Bad-Ass in them. Those brave warriors who fought those mighty battles for their kings, to the Actors who we all looked up to during the 90’s Action Era of Hollywood and Bollywood, all have represented ‘The Man Who Rebels And Kicks ass And Beats The Bad Guys.’ For me, even the fighters in the Ufc are Bad-Asses. Whether it is Big Roy Nelson with his Pony Tail or Cain Velasquez as the Heavy Weight Champion of the world, they all glow with a tint of that little extra. Of that certain, “I don’t care what you think of me, I am who I am look.” All these men have defied the odds and also the norms of society to be who they are. And that is why we look up to them. That is why we worship them. And that is why we wanna be them. I have countless memories in my head playing over and over again to prove that we all get excited when we see a Bad-Ass do his thing. Do you remember the Raw episode which broke Nitro’s ratings? When the greatest Bad-Ass in Wwe , Stone Cold Steve Austin came and helped Mankind to become the Wwe Champion? Do you remember how the crowd went berserk and couldn’t stop cheering and screaming out of excitement for 3 full minutes? I know how that felt. I have seen that clip over a hundred times and each times it gives me goosebumps. Each time I see Arnold Schwarzenegger firing that mini-gun towards the alien in Predator I feel that excitement. Each time I see Liam Neeson kill every single man in Taken I feel that way. you see, what I am trying to say is, we all relate to these Men Of Steel ‘cause we all see ourselves as them. 

"I feel like in my music I can be a rebel. I can say things I wouldn't say in real life."

If you ask me if I have ever imagined myself to be a Bad-Ass, well the answer would be a Hell Yes I have! I mean, how cool would it be to actually be a Real-Life Version of all the heroes and fighters you have grown up watching! It would certainly be a dream come true for me. To be honest, I have even imagined the clothes I would be wearing when I finally take the Role of the Ultimate Bad-Ass. I would be wearing my Diesel Jeans, Big Boots from Timberland, My Favourite Punisher Muscle Tee, the Leather Jacket which The Rock wore in Faster and my Ray-Ban Aviators to make my appearance more cooler. I would be riding a Harley, Triumph or a Ford Mustang and I would sail off towards the sun set to wherever life takes me. And to be honest, I have seen that image become a reality in my head many a times. For me, being a Bad-Ass is more spiritual than putting guys through walls. It is about an act of defiance. It is about being a rebel and showing Fate and Destiny that I am my own maker and no matter what life throws at me, I will throw it right back at it. Of course, like everything else in life, being a bad-ass has it pros and it’s cons. The pros are that you never have to answer to anyone. You make your own rules and you follow your own path. You defy fate and destiny at ever given turn and care two-hoots about what people think of you. The cons is that you eventually become alone and all ties that you had so dearly clinched on to break away and never get attached again. You become a drifter and a wanderer. Your best friend is only the shadow the sun casts on you. And your only companion is the car that you are riding or the book that you are reading. But if you ask me if I would ever give up the opportunity to become a Bad-Ass, I would say, “Never In A Million Years!”

"Other people will call me a rebel, but I just feel like I'm living my life and doing what I want to do. Sometimes people call that rebellion, especially when you're a woman."

I guess all Bad-Asses are Lone Wolves in their own way. Maybe they have accepted their own mortality and also embraced it. Or maybe they are hardened by the hurt they have gone through. Or maybe they have isolated themselves from the flow of emotions so much, that they just don’t care anymore. To be honest, I don’t know. Well, not yet.  Maybe one day I might. But I guess we all want to travel that road less travelled. We all wanna feel what real freedom feels like and be our own bosses. Maybe we all want to be rebels and take cross-country road trips. Maybe we all want to escape and never come back. That is why the term ‘Bad-Ass’ will never go extinct. Even our great grand children will know what it means and so will their children after them, ‘cause as long as society has it’s rules to keep us in check and take away our right to be ourselves, the Bad-ass in us will always want to break free. I don’t know what life has in stored for me. But I do know one thing, that life has brought me this far and every step that I have taken has been for the best of my interests. Whether it was me starting to write blogs, or seeing success and failure time and again or by getting let down by the people I have loved and cared for, every moment in life has defined me as the man I am today. And if I have to sum up my own definition, I would say I am a Boy in the Process of becoming a Man, with a touch of Bad-Ass in the mix. Yes, I wanna be free. I wanna roam the world and experience the sheer joy travelling brings. I wanna be the king of my own kingdom where I only rule myself. I want to Kick-Ass like Slyvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Van Damme and Chuck Norris. I wanna go on stage and sing Kid Rock Songs. I want to drive heavy duty motor cycles and wear a bandana on my head like The undertaker during American Bad-Ass Phase. And I want to wear a T-Shirt which says, ‘Certified Bad-Ass!’. 

"Master of the universe but not of myself, I am the only rebel against my absolute power."

I don’t know whether the above lines meant anything to you or not or whether you could relate to it or even take it as a reference for a defining chapter in your life. Truth be told, there were two reasons why I wrote this blog. One was because I got inspired by that Ufc Walkout song and the other one was that I wanted the writer in me to try a new approach to my blogs. Since my online Creating Writing 101 course through Gotham Writers begins on the 22nd, I got inspired to use the tips they have given us to express ourselves more better. Hope it worked and I hope I do well in the 6-weeks course that awaits me. Either way, I know I have given my best attempt in trying to explain to you my outlook on the word ‘Bad-Ass and the people who have impacted the Bad-Ass in me. I am going to turn 30 in the next three months and I know that the best and most adventurous days of my life still await me. The best chapters of my life are still to begin and I know that where the civil rules of society will stop me from going, the Bad-Ass in me will always find a way. So I am gearing up my friends. I am gearing up to see the world, to be a rebel and for that beautiful sun set that awaits me. I am gearing to be the best version of a Bad-Ass that I can ever be.

"Sure, I always chose rebels to identify with - I still do - but to me a rebel isn't so much someone who breaks the law as someone who goes against the odds."

This Is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and these are The Tales Of A Bad-Ass.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.


Monday, 7 April 2014

M.A.M.M.A. {Me And Mixed Martial Arts}

“We all think that we choose our own paths and make our own destinies. But the truth is, we all are chosen for a cause. We all are chosen for a purpose. And the path we walk isn’t something we chose. But the path was laid in front of us. So we aren’t tools of own choosing. But weapons of fate that was bestowed upon us.” 

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

I really love these blogs. And whenever I write these, I think I am the only one having a voice to do so. But the truth is, there are more than 3 billion people out there who are on their computer at this very same moment, expressing how they feel. Whether it is writing about their recent break-up or about their dream job, everyone is venting out and waiting for the world to hear them. That is why I believe writing these blogs have been very therapeutic for me. Yes, I do know that I don’t write these blogs on a weekly basis now and neither do I send them to everyone on my mailing list anymore. Well, it is because times have changed and I am not the same guy I was three years ago. I think I have become more calmer and simpler. I am getting white hair now. And I sometimes I do think that I have become a Dinosaur. Old and very soon extinct. Long gone are the days when I thought I was a stud and a lady killer. I now remember those thoughts and just laugh at myself. I take those acts as acts of foolishness. Women don’t flirt with me anymore. Men don’t wanna be my friends and I no longer wanna be a part of that circle. I am more by myself nowadays and the things that mattered to me and affected me don’t anymore. I am not lonely anymore but I am Alone. Lonely is a negative word but being Alone is a feeling of contentment. My dependability factor over people has completely stopped. Like I have an invisible wall all around me which is protecting me from the harsh facts of my reality. And in the midst of these strong and mature changes comes Mma. I always told you that I would one day write an entire blog on Mma. I didn’t know it would be so soon. The reasons I chose to call this Blog entry M.A.M.M.A. is because even thought this is entry is my view on Mixed Martial Arts, it is also a way to tell you all that Mma for me is not only a sport but also a blanket of protection from the reality I am running away from. Just like a mother who protects her child from the cold wrapping him up in her arms, Mma is like a Mother for me also. Protecting me, nurturing me and taking care of me, when I need it the most …

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

I have always been a sports guy. Whether it was dogdeball or relays in junior school or basketball and cricket while I was growing up, me and sports were always connected. Yes, I know I was the fat kid in school but that never stopped me from playing sports. Until the Match-Fixing bullshit, I was a devotee of Cricket. But since then, I haven’t looked at that sport the same way again. So through all the trials and errors and trying this and trying that, I finally came to a place in my life where I wanted more. The universe answered my prayers and then gifted me the joy of Mixed Martial Arts. At first I was looking to do some Boxing ‘cause I thought I needed to push my stamina and endurance to the next level. But when I tasted to sweet juice of Mma, I knew my life would never be the same again. That was that day and now, three years later, I am deeply rooted in the Mma pool. Back then I didn’t know the Ufc players or any the brands or the sponsors but since Chris Weidman, the current middleweight champion of the world knocked the living day lights out of Anderson Silva, I am up to date with everything. And thanks to Sony Six, I get to see the all the Ufc Fight Nights and Pay Per Views live as they happen. Being a sports fan, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I feel when I see those matches live! And thanks to twitter and instagram, I now have many people who I can call my Social Mma Friends. I interact with them on a daily basis and it brings a joy to my face when exclusive Mma Gyms accounts on instagram reply to me and when Mma Quotes on twitter favourite my tweet and make me feel so special. You see, Mma is not only a sport for me. It has now become a way of life for me. And to be honest without Mma’s safety net on me, I don’t think I would had been this strong 

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

You ask me, why Mma in a country where 95% of the population are glued to their televisions for cricket. Well, it is because Mma not only is good for my fitness and cardio and flexibility, it is also a way for me to vent out my anger. It is a vent for me to let go of all of that hidden aggression that I have. I have always stated that I am a monster. And monsters always need something to fight for. For creatures like us, calmness is not an option. We feel more comfortable in pain that running away from it. And getting our asses kicked in every Mma session really pleases us. I really wanna thank Somesh Kamra from Mma India for introducing me to this sport. It is all because of him that I came to know what Mma truly is. And now, thanks to Ufc, Youtube and Xff, I get to train Mma everyday. I really wish and dream to see even India opening up it’s arms to Mma and giving people like us the pleasure to see those fights live on our soil. Even though that maybe just a joke for everyone right now, for me it is a hope I cling on too. I love Mma so much that now, even my wardrobe is filled with tees from Mma Warehouse. Believe it or not but everyday I make it a point to go to the website and see the latest arrivals of Mma Apparel. And between you and me, I have also decided that in the future, me wearing my Mma Tees will be my own style statement. For the ordinary it will only be a t-shirt but for the ones who are a part of the grind will know what those Tees mean. I read a Mma quote a while back which stated that, “Men have always been barbaric. We, in our true forms are fighters and warriors and whoever doesn’t accept that, is a coward.”  I completely agree with that because until I crossed paths with Mma, I, myself was a coward.

"Martial arts is not about fighting; it's about building character."

Mma is not only a sport for me. It is also my protection shield from my own reality. Mma makes me forgot everything else and makes me live an alternative reality. People on twitter ask me questions about my life and some of them even send me hate tweets but little do they know how difficult it is to face the harsh truths of reality everyday. Before I WANTED the world to know my pain and I wanted everyone to lend me a helping hand. But now, since Mma has consumed me, I don’t need their sympathy or pity. I am busy in my own created alternative reality where I know I can’t be harmed. Whenever the fears of reality find a way to hurt me, I quickly close my eyes and enter my own ‘Mma World’ where I am not Mahaakshay Chakraborty anymore. And that really helps me. It is like my own imaginary pill which I take to make the demons go away. I don’t say One, Two, Three in my head. I say M M A and within seconds I am teleported to the gyms in america where I am just another regular joe who has come to train and where I am sparring of against my comrades who bleed Mma too. The universe has always given me signs and signals and I always have noticed them too. Believe it or not, just before I started writing this blog, I was surfing through my favourite tv channels and I saw that Ufc Fight Night was coming on Sony Six. I really do take this as a sign from the universe telling me to follow my bliss. Yes, Mma is bliss for me. It is joy and happiness all wrapped up in one long hard hour of training. Al though it is very difficult to find places in mumbai where Mma actually takes place, I somehow find a way to train. For example the gym in Malad has a Mma class. But the trainer over there sucks ass. He doesn’t know squat of Mma and he acts as if he knows it all. So now, me and my buddy henna, go and train by ourselves before that prick shows up and leave as soon as he arrives. When there is a will, there is a way and I know that until my time comes to shine on the big screen, Mma will always be my way to my happiness and joy and bliss. :-)

"Never stop. Never stop fighting. Never stop dreaming."

I am very happy I wrote this blog on Mma. Through this blog, I have also said things which I knew I wouldn’t otherwise. I wanted to pass a message. Not only to the people but also to the universe and to fate and destiny. I want to say that I am stronger than I was when you first met me. I don’t want anymore emotional support. I am not dependant on anyone anymore. I have been blessed with the sport known as Mma and every time I put my straps on I am reminded of the hardships that I have faced and how strong I have been to overcome them. My brother Bhushan often tells me a lovely line to lift me up. He says, “One More Round Bhai. One More Round.” And I remember those lines every time I fall. I remember that fighting is what I do best and even though the future may not be the way I have planned it to be and even though that scares the crap out of me, I know I will always have Mma with me. I know I will always have those punching bags and knee pads and the blood and the sweat and tears waiting to greet me with open arms and embrace and protect me from what it is I am not willing to accept. I thank everyone and all those brave warriors who give up amazing fights for our entertainment. I thank the universe for showing me a way out and a vent to let out steam. I thank all the people who love Mma as much as I do. And I thank Mma for saving me ‘cause I know I need saving. I know I need a shelter. And I know I need a M .a .m .m .a like Mma to save me from the nightmares and demons that I face everyday. I know I will fall again. But I also know that I will rise again too. The Whip with which Fate tears my skin off is winning. It has managed to tear and break me down and I am now crawling towards to the end destination of my dreams. But Fate hasn’t broken my will. And I know one day Fate will be tired of lashing me. It will quit Punishing me and it will finally give me what I want. Today, I can say that it might not be what I dreamed off but whatever it is Fate and Destiny and the Universe plan to give me, I know I will be Deserving of it. 

"I'm not a fighter, but in my mind I'm fighting every day. 'What's new? What am I doing?' I'm fighting myself. My soul is samurai. My roots aren't samurai, but my soul is."

This is Me and This Is My Story With A Touch Of Mixed Martial Arts …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty. 



Sunday, 16 March 2014

The Wait ...

"The Greatest Test Of Man Isn't The Battles He Fight But The Wait Has To Endure Before Them."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty

Sometimes, I wish I never stopped writing. Sometimes I wish that once and for all I say what I wanna say and then it ends. It all ends. But no matter how many times I have tried, something’s always there. It waits. It just keep on waiting. And it looks at me and tells me that I have to wait also. That wait has made me wait for more than 8 1/2 years now. And it still does. I don’t know why. I have tried to ask it. I have waited for the answer. I have been longing for the end. But I am here. Still waiting. While I see the world move on, I still wait. Like an unknown force keeping me tied up. Like a Punishment that never ends. It tests me and tries to break my spirit. Screws with my head and implants fear in me. The fear of failures and disappointments. This wait is torture. It is purgatory. It keeps you in the same place and every moment over there feels like centuries. It eats you alive limb by limb and breaks your strength. There is nothing more dreadful than Waiting. And I know how long I have been here. I cry silently ‘cause this wait does’t allow me to connect with the ones I love. My desires are kept to myself. My passions are taken away from me and all I see in blankness. But I am still here. Still waiting for the answer. Still waiting for the end. And I am still surviving. This wait has tried everyday to break my will and spirit. But it fails every time ‘cause I can’t quit. I have never learnt to quit. 

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known."

You know, I have been called selfish. Not just there in the outside world but even for my blogs. I remember a while back one of my readers told me that I only write about myself. That my blogs are self-centred. That I shouldn’t be this way and understand that just like me everyone else is also fighting a hard battle. At that time, I was pissed off and hurt by that comment but that person was right. I only write about me. But trust me, in the moments with myself I always think of that one blog which I will dedicate to everyone except me. i think of saying thanks to them. But then, as you know that this blog is published in a public forum, writing names and disclosing a part of their lives may not be the right thing to do. So I hold myself back. But I know what they are going through. As Rashad Evans said, “We all are fighters. Everyone on this planet is fighting for something.” And I agree with him. I am not the only one who is fighting. I know so many people who are in tougher situations than me but who are still fighting. I admire these men and women. I respect the hell out of them. And for me they all are heroes and warriors. Why will I talk about them now you ask? Well, when you aren’t doing anything besides waiting, you tend to see life from a deeper perspective and when you do that, you see that there are people out there who are braver then you are and who are fighting a harder battle then you. I do sound like a self-centred prick most of the time but I guess that is the Leo trait in me. But before I finish this paragraph and start talking about myself again, I just wanna say Thank You to all whom I have met and to all those who have inspired me. You are Warriors and Fighters and I believe if you stay the path and fight the wait, you will eventually see the silver lining, ‘cause no matter how tough this Wait, I somehow believe in that also.

"Life was always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act."

Before you start reading this paragraph I just wanna say that I am going to be writing about Mma. So, in case you are a Cricket fanatic like the rest of India or a football lover like the rest of the world, you should skip this paragraph completely. I am sorry but I am deeply in love with Mma. I really can’t have enough of it. And I think as the days goes by, in all of my entries, there will surely be a paragraph, completely and always dedicated to Mma. I have been in love many a times with many a things but I have never been in love with something so deeply as Mma. I can vouch for that. The way those fighters are, their lifestyle, their training, the way they are in general, it is like heaven for me. I feel so much of joy when I see UFC Live events on Sony Six and get my Mma Tees from Mma Ware House. I feel so happy when I imagine myself training in a Mma gym in America. Trust me, when I wanna feel immensely happy in this wait of mine, I only think of Mma. Mixed Martial Arts and an alternative reality associated with it. And I am very happy in that reality. Mma gives me an escapism. It frees me from these cages. And the prisons of wait. Mma is my happy word and it fills my heart with joy and bliss. I have told you many a times before through my blogs that i have always loved pain and I have always wanted to test my limits. Well, Mma lets me do that. Every day. Day in and day out. If you don’t believe me, go and see their their videos on youtube. Those guys are freaks and I look  up to all of them and at the same time I envy them ‘cause in their countries they have the tools and space and the mind set where they can have the pleasures of Mma. Where I am from, people can’t look beyond six stumps and for some reason, they want that all year long! But it is what it is over here and there is nothing I can do to change that now, in the position I am in. But this wait you see, it starts making you feel like shit and fills you up with insecurity and worse than that it fills you with doubt. But no matter how dark it gets here, there is this tiny voice inside of me, which still believes. Which still believes that the light will come and one day this suffering will be over.

"Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart."

For my previous blog, Complete Randomness, a very close friend of mine told me that I was trying to hard. He was asking me why was I so open and free about my emotions? He told me that the world does’t deserve to know. He was right from his point of view but you see, my point of view is different. When you are waiting for things to happen for you, you try to release all the pumped-up anger you in you and vent out and in the process feel better and that is why I have always stated that these blog entires have been a great stress buster for me. And even though I may not write down the entire truth, I do feel better by the end of every entry. It is like I am giving myself a psychiatric session. But I want the world to know. I want someone to know. These entries sure are stress-busters but they are also a cry for help. A signal to save me. So, being the stubborn son a gun that I am, I keep on expressing and typing and writing and believing that one day someone will respond. That one day I will finally live the life of my dreams. That one day, real freedom will be mine’s to keep. That one day I will live a life according to me. A life in which I don’t have to take anyone’s shit and not listen to anyone. Even if their opinions are out of care or not. I live in that belief that one day I will be Me. Completely. In and Out. This Wait, no matter how bad it is can also change you in ways you thought you could never be. Like for example, if you ever had come to my madh bungalow before and checked out my hall, room and bathroom, you would had seen things which didn’t belong there but where kept ‘cause I was too attached to them. But now, as this Wait is finally getting to me, the anger in me has also triggered a certain serenity in me. A serenity for me to have the will to let go of things. And not an inch of me is regretting that. In fact, the larger hall and bigger bathroom space is only making me better and happier. I have given away mostly all of my clothes and shoes. I have given them to the needy and to my staff. All my old books and accessories have also been distributed. Perfumes which I didn’t use are now in the hands of people who cherish them and more importantly than that, in my head, I am imagining a world in which my wait is over and in that world I don’t a 1,000 perfumes or a billion shoes. I only have one brand of perfume. That one good body wash and those simple pain of jeans. The Wait can surely show you horrors you never want to bare witness too. But me, I have in a cleansed my soul in them.

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth."

So that is it my readers. This is where I am today. In this place called the Wait. I wish I could had told you more about what I am going through and how I feel. But I know I can’t. So I wait. I just wait, wait and wait. Given the situation I am in, I have no other choice also but to Wait. Wait while I see others do what I wanna do. But it is ok. I have been in this place for long, I can be for a while longer also. This wait can make me cry and install fear in me and fill me up with anger and hate but it won’t break my will. It never has. It never will. I have always been a fighter and I always will be a fighter. I will never stop fighting. No matter how tough it gets. I will always find joy within me. I will go to my happy place and live there. I will recharge and survive there and find my bliss there. But I won’t give up. I won’t give up until the voice inside of me tells me to stop. The fire in me still burns and even when I am down and low and sick and tired, I will get up once again and clinch my fists and fight. Life has tested me enough but somehow it wants to test me some more. So if it thinks it has finally broken me after 8 1/2 years, it is completely wrong ‘cause I still have a lot of fight left in me. But one thing I truly wish from the bottom of my heart before I end this entry is that no one deserves this wait. No one deserves this Punishment. No matter how much bad you have been and no matter how evil you are, no one deserves this kind of a wait. I wish one day I have the power to end the wait for all those who are waiting. To give those brave souls what all they deserve. I wish to meet them and give them joy and show them the light. I wish this wait comes to no one. And I wish this wait ends for all those who are in it.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And I Am Waiting …

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting."


Sunday, 2 March 2014

Complete Randomness ...

Date: 3/3/2014

Time: 01:13am

Location: Mumbai 

I am wide awake. Don’t know why? I am on my starvation diet which means I only get to eat 300gms of chicken in the night and workout twice in the day. I did cardio today for 90mins. I promised myself I will do that. And I burnt over 1,000 calories. Yes, it is an achievement and I am proud. My body should be craving for sleep by now but somehow my mind wants to blog. It tells me to blog tonight and write in my diary tomorrow. Don’t know why. You see my mind has been my greatest ally and my worst enemy. So right now, I don’t which role it is playing. Anyways I just got back from some place important. I don’t wanna tell you from where. I am right now too insecure to share. You know, been there and done that a billion times over so I am scared shitless to share something good with you in the fear that it will be gone soon. Before you think I sound negative, I went to visit a wonderful tarot lady recently and she told me not to think any negative thoughts. So I am trying that. To be honest I always thought I wasn’t negative but a realist. Anyways, the people around me have ordered me to do the same so even if I wanna share something with them I can’t ‘cause they will think I am going dark again. That really makes me sad ‘cause if I can’t be open with the people I love then with whom can I be? But on the brighter side, I am alone again today. After a very long time I have the apartment to myself and I am loving every moment of this. I guess the Loner in me is right now having a party! He he! These moments don’t come often I must say. You know travelling by yourself is cool but there is something spectacular of being all by yourself in your own apartment! :-) This blog is titled “Complete Randomness” so my apologies to you if this blog doesn’t have any message or a start or an end. This is just me being me. 

There is so much I wanna say. So many people I wanna say shit too and so many wounds I wanna heal. But I don’t know where to start. I guess I won’t start at all. You know, being completely honest I sometimes feel I am a coward ‘cause I don’t say how I feel even though I really want too. Einstein said it, didn’t he … He said that evil will rise when good men do nothing. So am I letting evil rise and letting the wrong continue by saying nothing? You know I have met the so-called honest people. They think that they are honest but actually they are cold and rude. There are ways to express the truth. Yes, I know the truth hurts but if there is humanity in us, we owe it to the world to make it less hurtful and painful when expressing our versions of the truth. But I guess for every diplomat there is a scumbag who thinks he is on the side of truth. Maybe that is why I keep quiet, ‘cause I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of such ‘truthful’ statements. People say I am very good in expressing through my writing. That is a huge compliment but they don’t see the real picture there. When I blog and write I am actually seeking their help. To spread my word. To make the world read my blogs. To make the world see my story. That is my truth. I want to be heard. I really want too. I want the world to look at me also. I hope one day that time comes when they wait for my blogs. That would make me really very happy. But until then I will continue to write these blogs with the belief that yes, one day that time will come. :-) See, I am being positive here. I told you, I am a realist and practical. I see facts the way they are, even though sometimes my emotions get the most of me. And the strangest thing is whenever I express myself in a good way or a bad way, I am called a Bacha or a kid! Now that really pisses me off! For god’s sake people, I am turning 30 this july! Don’t take my calmness, quietness and politeness as something childish. Yes, I won’t fail to admit that I am a complete mama’s boy but I am a man in my own terms as well. If you could only see it.

I just mentioned to you in the previous paragraph how desperate I am for the world to listen to me and that is why I write these blogs. I remember a year ago, whenever I use to upload one of these entries I used to send it to everyone I had on my mailing list and send the link to all the celebrities on twitter. But I have stopped doing that now ‘cause honestly I don’t know who gives a fuck and who doesn’t. I mean, if you really wanna read my blogs you can always go to my website and read them. Why should I send them to you? That is the Leo trait in me talking right now. Too proud and self-respected even though sometimes the Lion in me takes time to wake up but once he does he never sleeps. I don’t know who reads my blogs. Who posts them or tweets them. I see the people I know doing all that they are doing. I am not important. They just say I am. You see, for them, words are only words. Friendship, love, respect and kindness mean nothing in today’s world. I know I am no saint but I have tried to live up to my word. For me promises matter and I really believe in the acts of kindness. I believe no one should be alone but in the process I have always been left alone. There are some out there who really try but you see they fail to understand. It is the understanding that gets them and they finally give up and leave. Typical isn’t it. People. Always. Leave. And that is why I try to not let people come in my sacred circle and hurt me al though they are doing a very good job at it and I am completely to blame for it. Maybe I expect too much from them. But I forget that we humans are the most selfish of the species and we will first only think of ourselves over anyone else. That is like a repeat telecast for me. Whenever I try to get close I get hurt ‘cause people are too selfish, cold or just too ambitious to think of anyone else besides themselves. I know I am ambitious too but I am not this cold! Anyways, people will always be the way they are and if you don’t tell them how you feel, they will complain that you don’t communicate and when you do express how you feel, they feel bad, frustrated and cry! Now tell me, is that fair? It is truly a funny world we live in. :-)

My sleep is kicking in. It is 01:50am now. I am glad I am feeling sleepy. Will try to wake up early and catch the oscars. Let’s see. But even if I don’t, I have spinning by 10:30am followed by a doctor’s appointment. I am side-by-side even listening to Kesha. Man! I fucking love that woman! Her songs are spectacular and she expresses! Like really expresses you know. Will surely take a picture with her and instagram it when I meet her. As I mentioned spinning and cardio earlier, nowadays, it is the only thing that I am doing. Cradio, cardio and cardio. Ask any fitness freak and he or she will tell you that after a point Cardio starts playing with your head if you don’t have that many options to burn those calories. Luckily for me my gym 48 fitness has got wifi enabled treadmills and machines where to pass the time, I Youtube UFC Videos. Trust me, they are highly motivational, especially the way they train. But the more I see those videos a deep sadness emerges in me ‘cause I know that I live in a country where people see nothing beyond cricket. I know it is the heart beat of the nation and I also felt bad when I heard India lost Pakistan, our arch nemesis but our country has to broaden it’s horizons and look beyond six stumps and give support to other sports as well. I know cricket is a money-minting machine today but only if someone sees and understands that there are people out there who are passionate about other sports, we can have so many more opportunities for the neglected sports. I just hope that day comes. See, I am again being positive. :-) Blogs really help me. They are my de-stress therapies and I feel very good when I express. That happens to you when you don’t have anyone who understands you. If you ever meet me, you will see that I really love the things I own. Yes, I am very materialistic but at the same time I am also very much in love with them. I take very good care of them. That is the thing I like about machines. They are very balanced. If you take care of them, they take care of you. There is complete balance between me and my machines. Not like the people I know. They know shit about balance. They say they try but in my world, trying isn’t enough. Either you do or you don’t. I know my circumstances and even though I am in these circumstances I do whatever I believe will bring the balance in my relationships. But unfortunately I don’t always get when I give and I hate that. No, I am not being negative now. I am just being honest. The Truth hurts. Doesn’t it?

The last paragraph! Finally! I don’t know why I always make the 5th paragraph the last. I mean why not the 4th or the 6th, hain na? Weird me. Anyways, thanks for reading, whoever is reading this. Hope I didn’t bore you. To be honest, I don’t give me a fuck what you think. You can keep your opinions to yourself. All my life I have been told what to do by people who didn’t matter to me. Just because I was silent. Mind you, don’t take my silence was dumbness. I read somewhere “Deep Silence Is The Daughter Of Deep Vengeance” so I guess there is a monster in me waiting to see this world burn or maybe there isn’t. That wonderful tarot lady told me I have only good karma’s now. That really relaxed me ‘cause I always thought that my Punishment was for my sins. Now I realise that it is God still pulling my leg. As Frank Castle told in Punisher War Zone, “Sometimes I Like To Get My Hands On God!”. I also feel like that! I wanna go up to him and just scream you know! Scream my guts out and scream until he hears my cries! I wanna ask him, “Why Have You Forsaken Me?” I want him to answer him. I want him to end the suffering. I want him to fill me up. I want him to make me happy and take this loneliness and emptiness away! I want him to end me or my suffering. This is what I wish. This is what I want. But I guess I am just an insomniac writing a blog which no one will read. Fate and Destiny have been very cruel with me. I know they have. They have broken my body and poisoned my mind. But they haven’t broken my will yet and it is that one strand of hope that one string of purity which is still left in me which makes me go fight another day and wait. The wait. Oh my! It is the wait that kills you, you know! I wish and pray that no man or woman go through what I have gone through. No one deserves this kind of punishment. We all deserve to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We all deserve our slice of heaven and we all deserve our rewards. I guess that is why I still believe. I guess that is why I still fight. I guess that is why I have still survived. See, I am Positive. :-)

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And This Was Truly Complete Randomness.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.  

Friday, 21 February 2014

The Seven Days Of Boot Camp ...

"Sometimes In Order To Move Forward, We Must Go Back To Where It All Began."

-Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

Day One:

I am right now here in coimbatore. There isn’t wifi here or any proper mobile network coverage. Well, it is because my house is in the outskirts of the city. Beyond Thudiyalur and Pannimadai. So I won’t be able to post these mini blogs everyday. So I thought I will post them as one Mega Blog when I return to Mumbai. You ask why I am here. Well, I am here with my Coach for Boot Camp Training. Why Coimbatore of all places? Well, this is the place where I used to stay. I have spent 6 years of my life here. I have many memories from this place and Sometimes, In Order To Move Ahead, We Must Go Back To Where It All Began. And trust me my friends, Only Through Calamity Comes Progress. I know this more than anyone else. So I am going to be here till the 19th as I have to be in kolkatta on the 23rd for Bengal Fashion Week. I love it here. The peace and quiet of this place is what I need right now. I also brought my book here. The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. An apt book for this place. Don’t you think? Well, my coach is here and I thank him for giving me company and My Parents for this opportunity. You won’t be believe it but many a times Me and Coach have discussed this topic. You know about going someplace, completely cut-off from the world and training like Juggernauts. Well, the Universe Works In Mysterious Ways I must say. And today, coach really pushed me to the limit. We did more than 50 Sprints and over 75mins of Cardio followed by a Gruelling Abs Workout. I got to tell you, I love it here. More than I had anticipated. And you wanna know something? Something I have never told anyone before? Well, I Have A Dream And In That Dream I Never Stop And I Never Go Back. That is how I feel now. I know I may sound crazy but this is like a dream come true for me. Being far away from loved ones and the normal life has awakened something in me. Something that was always there. A hunger and a thirst for more. For more training. For more practice. For more sacrifice. And for more War. I am a War Junkie. Always was. Always will be.

"I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion."

Day Two:

Day Two was more gruelling than Day One. Yesterday, we were getting used to the environment and finding the perfect gym and arranging the food. But today, all was set and everything went as planned. You see, I am a planner. I plan things way ahead and I work according to a schedule. This lifestyle as I have noticed isn’t as welcoming or heart-warming or exciting for most of the people I have met. But what to do, I am made this way and I believe that being disciplined and respecting time is the first step to success. Today, I woke up by 07:00am, way before my coach did. It felt very nice. You know, there are so many things a person can accomplish, if only he wakes up earlier. We did a gut-wrenching one hour cardio routine which included sprints, football tackles and jumps. All to improve the flexibility and the body response time. Our maids here make lovely eggs and chicken as that is the only food I am allowed to eat, so I relish my egg bhurji and masala chicken. I am loving The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari and I am very happy to do my voice practice more than three times a day, write in my diary first thing in the morning and watch a romantic film after lunch as my homework. I hardly check my phone here. I was once told by a person I love that I do nothing besides checking my phone. I am planning to break that assumption. And I make it a point to check my emails, whatsapps and twitter only twice a day. I am getting used to it too. I am here not to take a break from the world but to make myself ready for it and the only way I can do that is by dedicating every breath of my body to my training. Sure, after 8pm the soreness starts to kick in and the body starts going into sleep mode. But I am telling you it is worth it. I don’t know how the people are doing back home and honestly, I don’t even have the time to think about it. Just a while ago, when I was coming back from the gym, I was listening to Indestructible by Disturbed for the Billionth Time and as I was hearing it, a voice inside of me was making me realise how with every moment I am slipping away from the norms of reality. Slowly slowly I am becoming more of the man I always dreamed off. The man who doesn’t get affected by people or worldly possessions. A man who is only focused on one objective and dedicated to only one purpose. I am now becoming a Machine … A War Machine.

"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."

Day Three:

Time: 08.33pm

February The 15th … 

Saturday …

The body has broken. But my will hasn’t. I know it is tough but I also know it will be worth it. I once read a quote some where and the words were, “If You Are Going Through Hell, Keep Going.” These 7 days are my ultimate test. Not just to prove my mantle to the world and to the ones I love but also to myself. I am pushing the limits here. Today was only the 3rd day and my body gave up in the evening after my 75mins cardio session. I had to do abs but I told coach that I can’t. He let me rest and then we went and ate some lovely tandoori chicken. Coach had a Chicken Dosa. Ya, that was a first for me too. Imagine a Non-Veg dosa. Coach told me it was yummy. Speaking of coach, I am so glad he is here. I know alone I couldn’t had done the things I am doing now. His eye on me makes me wanna push harder and his belief in me makes me run faster and push the pace. He is very matured for a 28 year old and in our rest periods during the day we talk about women, life and everything in between. It is fun to have him around and an honour to be trained by him. I remember last july I had brought coach here to the south for the very first time and trust me, it was only because of his will that we managed to train everyday. He tells me everyday that he lives his life with one motto, “When There Is A Will, There Is A Way.” And when our intentions are true, roads appear where there were only once walls. We saw Robocop today and I loved every moment of it! Joel Kinnaman was worthy to play the lead but watching him on screen I was transfixed by the idea that even one day I will get to play a spectacular role like this also. And I have gotten used to the routine here now. There is not a moment here where I feel bored. I have so many things to do. Write my blog entries, read my book, write in my diary, do my voice practice, watch films, talk to the stars and train like a bad-ass mofo! :-) And speaking about the world I left back in mumbai, well, nothing affects me about it. I don’t miss it. I don’t miss the people or the atmosphere. Call me crazy but I believe this resilience and control of my emotions is preparing me for the grander picture of the future and what it holds for me. I guess everything happens for a reason and with each passing moment, the path in front of me is making more sense to me. :-)

"Training gives us an outlet for suppressed energies created by stress and thus tones the spirit just as exercise conditions the body."

Day Four,

Time: 06:51pm

February The 16th …

Sunday …

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all. I was out by 10:30pm for the first two days but yesterday, I don’t know why but I just couldn’t sleep. My body was battered but my mind wasn’t resting. But somehow after 01:30am my sleep finally caught up with me. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get up early but for the 3rd day in a row I was up by 07:00am. By 09:00am we were out on the tracks and drenching it out like ground hog day! We had a great cardio session and then we headed for the Fun Republic mall at the outskirts of the city. The moment I entered I spotted a massage parlour and rushed for it. Luckily there was a slot available for a 45mins foot massage and I took it and I must say it was very soothing and relaxing as I dozed off in the first 5mins of the massage! Then me and coach had our staple grilled chicken and there I spotted Marry Brown. Marry Brown back in the day used to be our favourite junk food place and we used to order from there every other weekend. Seeing the marry brown outlet brought back many pleasant memories and a smile on my face. Coach also had a joyful time at the mall as he brought many cool shirts and t-shirts for himself. We were supposed to head for the gym but on Sundays every Gym in coimbatore is closed! Now can you believe that? Well, then we headed home and again I crashed for like 30mins. Woke up, read a very important chapter in The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. And I came to know that one of my hamsters gave birth to two very cute baby hamsters. They are adorable by the way. We couldn’t do 75mins cardio in the evening but coach, who is always prepared made me do some free-hand drills which made me feel great. So I must say it was a god day. You know, when you only focus on one thing and one objective, everything else becomes blur to you. And this kind of focus is very important for me. Back in the day I had walls which protected me and because of my own stupidity I used to bring those walls down because I thought I should let others into my life. But people are people and they will always manage to hurt you or disappoint you or lower the bar of your expectations. Luckily for me, My Walls are still with me and this time, they are towers high and unbreakable. The more I stay with myself in this solitude, the more I realise that this is who I was born to be. Life always brings us to the place of understanding. And not just the understanding of life but of our own souls as well.

"Confidence comes from discipline and training."

Day Five,

Time: 10:21pm

February The 17th …

Monday …

I couldn’t get up early today. The alarm did wake me up but then I slept again for the next 45mins. My body had no energy and the soreness from yesterday’s workout finally caught up with me. Luckily for me, coach saw that too and let me skip the morning’s gruelling cardio session. I had to compensate that with only 2 eggs for breakfast, instead of 3 and 100gms of chicken for lunch instead of 150. Luckily for me, the only taste escape I have is Kala Akka’s amazingly made coffee. Trust me, I have tasted coffee from all around the world but the way Akka makes it, is truly spectacular. We went to Posh Gym early today and I started my Cardio by 04:00pm and for the first time, I did a 120mins Cardio session, non-stop. I was proud that I managed to stay at my feet for 2 hours straight with no break in between. Even though the intensity of the cardio was moderate it was gruelling, especially after I crossed the 90mins mark. But I survived. Being here and just training day in and day out does take a toll on you. The mind starts playing tricks with you. And sometimes even boredom kicks in. But I am blessed to have coach here. We have bonded very well and we talk about everything under the sun. In fact, besides playing with my pets, we have nothing else to do. I didn’t read a chapter from the book today. kinda feeling bad about it. I guess it was just one of those days you know. But the good news is that I have survived and we have 2 days more to go here. These 7 days will surely change me. I know it will. That is the reason I chose to come here. Like you come to know your true strength and you also realise that people can actually survive without you and you can survive without them. And people will always think of themselves and judge you and tag you in emotional brackets if you aren’t there for them or put yourself first. So I am glad I am here. I am knowing my worth and I know that these 7 days are like the 9 circles of hell for me. Survive these 7 days, like surviving the 9 circles of hell will eventually lead me to enlightenment and to the gates of heaven. :-)

"You are your greatest asset. Put your time, effort and money into training, grooming, and encouraging your greatest asset."

Day Six:

February The 18th …

Time: 10:22pm

Tuesday …

I was up again by 07:00am today. Did the morning ritual of Voice Practice and writing in my Diary. And just when I was about to get ready for Morning Cardio, it started to rain. The weather became lovely but I couldn’t do cardio. So coach decided to leave for ooty today itself instead of tomorrow. So we packed our bags, had our breakfast and left for The Monarch Hotel in ooty. We arrived at just about Lunch Time and luckily for us, a Wedding just got over in the hotel and the guests were leaving. I am happy to say that all had a great time with the Services provided by The Monarch Hotel. And I am proud of my staff here as well, as they were attending and keeping more than 2000 people happy who had come for the wedding! Lunch was grilled chicken and it was yummy. Me and coach then set off for Modern Stores where I got chocolates for everyone and where coach had a sugar overload. He really can’t resist those home-made chocolates you see. We then got some cool Adidas Jackets. All of the same colour and design and then we headed for the gym. We did a 75mins Workout session followed by a relaxing steam. Ah! The benefits of having your own 5 star hotel! He he! :-) Anyways, it was a good day and the weather was very cool too. I have many a memories from ooty as well as my childhood and early teen years were spent here. I have come a long way from enacting Santa Claus in my school. (The only kid who got to be Santa Claus twice ‘cause of my round face and rounder stomach.) As I had mentioned earlier in these blog entries, we all come back to where it all began. To either reflect or understand and to never forget. For me, this trip has been a lesson and a reminder of who I am and also where I am going. :-)

"The purpose of training is to tighten up the slack, toughen the body, and polish the spirit."

Day Seven:

February The 19th …

Time: 09:56pm …

Wednesday …

So, the last day of training comes to an end. We travelled back from ooty today. And after snoozing for 30mins or so, I packed my bags and headed to the gym with coach. It was a good workout for me as I did 90mins of Cardio followed by Ab Exercises. We then visited our favourite Tandoori Chicken outlet, Cock-Ra-Co and had some chicken. Coach wanted to buy a pair of shoes so we then headed to the Fun Republic Mall. But the moment we reached, coach realised it was the other mall where he saw the shoes. So we went to Brooke Fields mall to find him that shoe. Upon reaching I saw an amazing Casio Gravity Defy Watch and planned to Gift Myself one. The watch is pretty amazing by the way. Coach was looking disappointed as he wasn’t able to find the perfect shoe for himself. Knowing how much he loves shoes and also knowing that he deserved a present and gift more than me for my transformation, I decided to gift him a pair of Jordan’s. Coach was over joyed and that made me very happy. We reached home by 10pm, had dinner and then had our Post-Dinner-Walk for almost 60mins where we shared our stories once again and I told them how Coimbatore was the place of many Firsts for me. I then went and met the stars as I always do when I am in Coimbatore. Thanked them from the bottom of my heart and then wished them good night and opened up my laptop right away. Tomorrow I go back to Mumbai. But nothing changes in my training. In fact, coach said, it is only going to get tougher from now on. I am looking forward to it. :-)

"First, do enough training. Then believe in yourself and say: I can do it. Tomorrow is my day. And then say: the person in front of me, he is just a human being as well; he has two legs, I have two legs, that is all. That is mentally how you prepare."

The Day Of Returning …

February The 20th …

Time: 02:25pm …

Thursday …

I am on my way back. I’m in the flight as I am typing this. In an hour or so, the flight will land in mumbai and I will be reunited with my family. I hope they will be happy to see my transformation. I once again wanna thank coach for tagging along with me. I am who I am ONLY because of him. He has truly been a blessing for me and I pray and wish that my bond with him reminds strong forever. I guess I am having withdrawal syndromes. Till yesterday I was pretty excited that I was going back. But now, I am a little scared. It is like a soldier who is returning home. He is excited that the war is over but he is also scared of what would he do now as fighting is the only thing he knows best. I guess My War is still with me and I will carry it with me wherever I am. We are who we are you know. And no matter how hard we try to change ourselves or to fit in or be accepted by society, we will always stand out as individuals. Maybe my sub-conscious has already accepted that. I still have too. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy to see my family again. My pets who will greet me and my friends who are waiting for the stories I will share with them. But there is still a lot of fight left in me. A Hole that still needs filling. Maybe that will only be filled when the world loves, respects and adores me. Or maybe when I will be feared. Maybe it is the beast in me who still lusts for power and attention. I don’t know. But what I do know is that the war isn’t over. I survived these 7 days of Boot Camp Training only to come back stronger and maybe even hungry for more. I know I will always need a war to fight. And as I am seeing myself transform in front of the mirror, I am also seeing and feeling a transformation within me. More like a spiritual transition. One with a more clear purpose. You see, people will always be the way they are. They will assume, judge and categorise you and more than that, they will always be selfish. This is something I have learnt the hard way. They project to be nice and caring but underneath, they all are just thinking about themselves. Being alone in coimbatore and doing nothing besides training, made me think a lot and understand the people around me and the acquaintances I know. Of course, I’m not gonna take names or anything but I have somehow seen their true faces. Niceness doesn’t impress them nor giving them respect. All they appreciate is Power. Power of Status, Fame and Position. Maybe I may not be where I am today but I know one day I will be. And that day, I will know who stood beside me and who didn’t. And now, during these times of War, I know I can’t be affected by people or their attitudes towards me. I am fighting a war just like everybody else. It is just that every dog has his day. one day, My Day will come too. But in my previous Blog, if you remember, I made a Deal with Ares. To have a War that never ends. And to be honest, above love and friendship and normality, that is what I still choose. War is what completes me. The feeling of Pain and pushing the boundaries of your sanity is what gets me ticking. I guess I am weird and in a way Broken. But maybe I like it that way. You see, we all have to pay a price for our Greatness. I made a deal with Ares. I promised him that everyday I will give him a part of me in return for a war that will make me feel alive. Coming back home doesn’t change anything. It only pushes the envelope of my own capability to the onslaughts of society. As I said, we are who we are. :-)

"You can work really hard, but if you're not training in the right way you're not going to improve and get to the level that you want to."

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty And These Were My Seven Days In Boot Camp.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.