Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Why Do We Fall?

“And we will choose many men and women. People who will go through unfathomable acts of struggle. But out of all the souls there will come one. One who will change everything forever. And this soul will be tested. He will fall, he will be destroyed and he will be broken. But in the end, when all hope will be lost he will emerge once again as the fiery phoenix. And he shall prevail. He will be the one amongst the trillions. He will be the Lone Wolf. He will be the Last Man Standing.”

-The Book Of Prophecies.

I have a dream from time to time. And it may sound a little unusual to you but it is a dream which always manages to bring a smile to my face. In this dream I am alone. I wake up in this great mansion where sofas are made of leather and chairs made of crystal. This place has no one else except me. I have everything that I need at my disposal. Whether it is a luscious meal or a glass of chilled water. This mansion has tennis courts and swimming pools. It has theatres and bowling alleys. It also has a super market. You can say that this mansion is a world on it’s own. But as I said earlier, I am all alone here. Not even a robot to talk too. People are social animals I know of that but for some reason, I am don’t go crazy being alone here. Here, in this small little world of mine, I train, I read, I shower and I eat. I do everything a human being should do. Everything besides human interaction. This is a dream I have time to time. I don’t know but it always lingers in my head. Like a calling waiting to turn real. Blogs are meant to be a mirror of a person’s soul or it’s point of view and maybe that’s why I thought it was necessary of me to share this dream of mine with you also. You may question why do I always write stuff of being alone or why do I choose to be alone. Well, the truth is for many years I have been convinced with this one single belief. That in order to be Great we have to have the ability to Sacrifice. And sacrifice the things we want the most. And what is it that we human beings want the most in this world? We need love and support. So what if I gain the power and the ability to kill those emotions? What if I become so self-efficient that I don’t need anyone anymore? I believe that if I harness that power, I will, only then be truly deserving of Greatness. And that is why, for more than 15 years I have been in this quest … a journey you can say, to the vey depths of my soul and try to find out if I can. And when I looked deep into the blackness of that well, I fell deep into it. And when I did every emotion I ever felt came alive. A feeling I can’t possibly explain. But then, when I was in that pit, in that darkness of nothingness, I understood it all. I understood why I fell and how I will rise again.

"Courage is knowing what not to fear."

We all go through struggles. We all go through hardships and we all go through our own suffering. Even right now, as I am typing this, someone, somewhere must be suffering from something. Whether it is something to do with health or wealth or heart break or simply just the lack of joy, someone always is going through something. So I can’t say that I am experienced enough to know and understand that. But I can say is that in all of my 30 years of existence, I have come to understand that I won’t be able to relate to your sorrow and neither will you be able to experience my joy. We go through our own journeys. And the sooner we figure that out, the sooner we become free of emotions or bonds that only bring us down. My coach said a very beautiful thing the other day. He said, “Only a few in this world can endure such tremendous struggle, pain and sacrifice.” He was 100% right on that. Not all can bare the burden of moving ahead even when everything is against you. But this blog isn’t about my struggles I have had or the struggles I will. The body struggles everyday just to breathe oxygen! So I think I am in a very good place in my life right now. No, this blog isn’t about the War I love fighting. This blog is about what happens to a person after they stumble and fall. Before, not a very long time ago, I wanted people to pick me back up. I wanted people to be there for me and at the end of the day all I wanted was to feel loved. But then, just recently something happened. Well, it happened exactly the opposite way of how I was hoping for it to be. And when I went through that shocking and nightmarish moment, I should had gone to the people who would had been there for me. But I didn’t. This time in fact, I didn’t do anything. I just remained still and let the moment just happen the way it was mean to be. And after the storm had passed I looked at myself in the mirror and I didn’t see tears rolling down my cheeks nor did I see my face turn red with anger. I just saw a man who was stronger than he had ever imagined himself to be. A man so strong that he knew, that nothing or no one will ever be able to break him again.

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."

If you meet me now, you won’t find any change in my mannerisms. I am still the same guy I was yesterday. In fact, all thanks to Dubsmash, people have started seeing the funny side of me! But underneath all that funniness and tweets and pictures, there is a man who has a soul on fire. A man who is relentless and a man who refuses to give up. I have told you this before and I will tell you this again, I am in Love with War and Battle. And I will always need a war to fight. Whether it is for my own survival or to make my dreams come true, I will always be a part of the fight and that is why, the universe is still moulding me and making me the man I was destined to be. Yes, I do believe that we are the tools of the fate that has bestowed upon us and that we are the makers of our own end. And everything that has happened to me. Every event, good or bad and every human being, no matter how noble or evil has brought me to this juncture of my life. Just when I thought I would never withstand failure, I embraced it. Just when I thought I would not survive alone, I stood alone and just when I thought I was broken I rose again. I will never stop trying. And I will never stop fighting. But till today and I kid you not, I haven’t met one individual who understands this journey of mine. I do agree that earlier in this blog I did agree that we all have our own journeys to fight but what happens is that after a point when you don’t have anyone like you, the battle you are in consumes you and then there is nothing left in you besides the fighting spirit which gives you strength to fight on. And then, when your body is broken and sore and full of bruises and when you are in pain, you realise that you were always meant to be alone. And for people like me, loners like me that reality is the only reality which makes sense. We were chosen even before we knew we were. Someone once told me that if you look long and hard enough, you realise how blessed you are. I agree on that thought. Today, I really do count my blessings and when I do, I realise that I have more to be thankful for than to hate about. 

"We are twice armed if we fight with faith."

So what is next for me? Do I wait for opportunity to knock on my door or do I go out there and find it? The answer is I find ways to be contended. I think that would be the right answer. So that is what I am doing. I wake up everyday and plan the events ahead. Whether it is training with Abbas Ali {Bodyholics} in the gym for 3 hours a day or whether it is doing a new course with Coursera on The Paradoxes Of War with the University Of Princeton. Whether it is doing Mma Drills and uploading them on Snapchat or whether it is trying to reach 100kms on the Nike+ App. I get up everyday, gear up and fight on ‘cause that is what I do best and that is what I love doing the most. The stronger me knows I have to do this alone. And this decision isn’t out of disappointment or heart break or betrayal, this decision has been made from a calmness deep within my soul and it has been weeks now I have been following this new approach and I gotta tell you, I am in love with it! There are no answers to be questioned or responsibilities to abide. It is just me, everyday facing my tasks all by myself. Of course, fear and insecurity have a of creeping up and finding me but it is only when you are truly tested, do you know how strong you truly are. I know now I am the strongest that I have ever been. Not because I choose not to express my feelings or be dependant but because I now have the ability to stop myself from ever letting that happen. And who said I was alone? Just like you, I have the universe with me. I have it’s energy sprinkling it’s magic charm on me and whenever I am in doubt, the universe always shows me the way. Maybe that is why I still have that dream of me in that mansion and maybe that is why I wish to travel the world alone. And visit Ireland and Scotland and go to those small towns and sit in those pubs and have jugs of beer and hear those people sing. Maybe that is why I have the dream of buying a Harley or a Triumph and driving on the back roads of America and taking selfies with the sunsets. Maybe that is why I wish to go to Thailand and Sweden and Los Angeles and enrol into Mma training camps. Maybe that is why I wish all those wishes in which I am all by myself. Maybe that is why I know now … Why Is It That We Fall.

"People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die."

Don’t take me wrong. I am not here to prove a point or to tell you this is the right way. For all I know, I am still the crazy one and the outsider and the misfit. This is just me expressing my growth to you. This is just me showing what time and battle does to a man. And I am here to tell you that it is ok to Fall. I heard a very beautiful saying once and it said, “Don’t curse the darkness. Light a candle.” And that is what I am doing. Instead of crying myself to sleep in the darkness I sit there in the nothingness and ask myself, “Why do we fall?” And do you know what the answer to that is? The answer is We Fall ‘cause Only Then, We Can Learn To Pick Ourselves Up Again. And every time we rise, we only become stronger than we were before. Just like a Saiyan from the Dragonball Z Universe or the Egyptian Phoenix, you always come back stronger. So it doesn’t matter what turmoil you are going through, know that it won’t last forever. “Tough times don’t last but tough people do.” And the reason I am saying this to you and the reason you are reading this is because you are one of the tough ones. You are one of those brave souls who knows how to endure pain and struggle and still move forward. And for that I salute you. Maybe one day during my trip around the world I may meet you and even though we won’t sit and chat and have a good laugh, we will know that we are one of the few who rose after we fell. So for now, that is all I have to say. And I hope somehow and in someway you understood my transition into this Lone Warrior Breed. I hope you don’t take me as a monster but as a friend who knows what Fighting truly means. I thank you all for being so patient with me over the years and thank you all for trying. But I guess that time has come in my life where I can say that I am now 100% Self Proof and as weird as it may sound, I may never need another soul again. So you take care my readers. Keep fighting and maybe the next time I write a blog, it would be from that mansion I keep on seeing in my dreams or from the hills of Scotland or maybe from a Coffee Shop in New York. But no matter where I will be, I know I will never stop. And I know I will always Rise After I will Fall.

"The first and greatest victory is to conquer yourself; to be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile."

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and This Is My Story.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty. 


Sunday, 24 May 2015

Past. Present. Future.

“Humans will error. They will make mistakes. And they will be savage beasts. It is in their nature. But the reason this book was written was because one day, one mortal out of the billions will be truly worthy of reading it’s pages. For he will know what he must do next in his life. For he will be chosen for a task greater than any man can endure. And when he realises his own true potential, he will be free and therefore will be called as The One.”

-The Book Of Prophecies.

We are only few days away from the release of my Ishqedarriyaan. Come 29th I will know what Fate has in stored for me. The wait of more than 2 years will be decided just a few days from now. But right now, sitting at my couch, during this sunday evening, all by myself, I can’t help but take a look back into my life and see from where I have come to where I am going. Yesterday, I began to replay Call Of Duty World At War on the Xbox 360. I was looking for that game for a while now and I was delighted to have found it. Al though I am very much in love with the game, it was the year it came out that intrigued and made me think of my past. It was 2008. Nearly 7 years ago. And when I saw that year flashing on the screen, I was automatically transported back to that moment when I first started playing that game. And that is what got me thinking and analysing my life and of course the Road So Far. Maybe that is why it was important for me to see where I was, where I am and where I am going and it was also important for me to share all that with you. So let me try to review my life in full in the coming paragraphs and I hope that I do justice to it also. 

"But what is all this fear of and opposition to Oblivion? What is the matter with the soft Darkness, the Dreamless Sleep?"

The Past:

Just a few days ago I was having a discussion with my brother about life and everything in it. And when we were chatting I told him that, “I don’t know why people say that they never want to grow up or that they wished they were children again. I love growing up! I believe growing up is an amazing feeling and I never want to be a child again.” I know why I said all that. It is because whenever I look back into the past, I only see a kid who was screwed up. I know we all have to go through our own journeys but whenever I look back, I only laugh and curse at myself. I mean the things that I did and the way I was, well, they were wrong and unjust and I deserved everything that came my way.I know I can’t undo the past and neither I can right my wrongs but I can surely never make those mistakes again. Of course I feel guilty. Of course I feel terrible. I was selfish and self-centred and the only person I cared and loved was myself. It was wrong and even back then I had a choice. I had a choice to leave people alone or become like them and mould myself according to society. But my childishness and arrogance never allowed me. There are times when I sit alone and repent the things that I have done. I was a hypocrite to believe that my actions were somehow righteous while all they were doing was hurting and harming everyone around me. My brother tells me that we all go through these ordeals in life and it is only these ordeals that carve out the best in us. I agree with him ‘cause today I do know the difference between the wrong and the right. But the past sometimes still haunts me. A part of me is glad it does and a part of me wants it to leave me alone. I guess this is the burden that I am meant to carry always. I don’t know how much I have grown as a man over the years but I do know that now, the choices are more clearer in front of me. Today, before I do anything I always wager the Pros and Cons and then act practically towards the situation. Maybe challenges do carve out the best in men. But even back then, during the most toughest times of my life I always knew what I wanted to do. I do agree that my approach may not have been that appealing but it was always the way I wanted to go. Maybe the reason to fight and become better was the only thing that was right in my life back then and maybe that is the only thing that took me away from the evil in me and showed me the light.

"Oblivion is the rule and fame the exception, of humanity."

The Present:

I guess I don’t have to break down the present so much. You know where I am and what I am going through. My film releases on the 29th and every moment which brings me closer to it just terrifies me more and more. But this isn’t the fear of what people may say or not say or about the box office results. This fear is about the oblivious. The going-into-unknown-territory fear. I really don’t know how I will be come May 29th. When people meet and greet me today, they see the smile and the laughter and the confidence which every actor must show. But underneath all that is pure fear and insecurity. You see, I am human just like you and I am going through all those emotions also. I have friends and family and loved ones. People who are there to support me and give me their best wishes. But the thing is they aren’t going through what I am going through. Of course I can’t blame them for that ‘cause this has been my journey and they can’t fathom to realise how much is at stake for me come May 29th. I truly appreciate all the support and love that I am getting but you know just because someone is giving you their love and their understanding doesn’t make them right. I have said this before and I am saying this again, society is the mother root of all evils. I agree that humans are savage beasts and we need someone to tell us where to go and what to do but the problem is that society and appearances have only made us more hollow from inside. When I started out on this journey, I knew I would face trails and tribulations. And today, on the verge of the biggest moment of my life all I want is to be left alone. Yes, you heard me, I want to be left alone. I’ve realised that people are there for you only until they are comfortable being there for you. At times like these, I only remember what the Joker told Batman in The Dark Knight. “The only reason these people support you now is ‘cause they need you. Once you have done your so-called righteous duty, they will cast you out. They will make you the villain. These so-called ‘civilised’ people are only as good as they want to be ‘cause when the chips are down, they will turn on each other. I will show you that one day.” Those words echo in my ears overtime I see a close one defending themselves ‘cause they believe that they are right. It is sad to see people once you loved turn into monsters when you thought you were the monster all along.

"Since fame is an illusion and death is in our future all we have is the next moment before we are swallowed into oblivion."

I know I have my weak moments. Moments when I just want to unwind and be normal and forget about the pressures. I always thought that ‘Love’ was the answer to it all. But I was wrong. Today, Love comes with an instructional manual and people will love you only if they think it is right to do so and even if they do, they expect you to be the way they want you to be. Giving love and being understandable doesn’t always mean that you are right. And a while back, I knew I would need friends and people that I could count on during this challenging period of my life but as the challenges grew stronger, I started to realise that I didn’t need anyone at all. Remember I told you that I love growing up? Well maybe, this is a sign of growing up. That we have to face our challenges head on and that when we truly face our obstacles on our own, we realise that we never needed anyone to begin with. I have come to realise that and even though this choice will make me alone, I am proud to say that I don’t need anyone. I don’t need love or friendship or care. All I need is myself. A mother who met in the train, when I was going to Surat to promote my film asked me that how can I choose to be alone? Doesn’t it get lonely? And I told her that when you are in love with the company of yourself, you never need anyone. And that is what I have become today. A man who just loves his own company. I really don’t know why people don’t get that. Well, again, maybe it’s because they must have known my story but they haven’t lived it. They don’t know that I am complete only when I am truly alone. I wish I could make people understand that. You know those people who are more concerned about society than themselves? Well, anyways, I hope this blog somehow gives that message to them. Trust me, I do get angry. I do get angry when things don’t go my way. But as Batman said, “We can choose to be better than our basic instincts.” And that is what I do now. The one thing the Past has taught is me that no matter how much love and adoration you get from the people, always remember to stay humble. And no matter how much you are tempted to fly, remember that you can’t and those artificial wings will one day break and you will come crashing to the ground. Today, I am very happy with the way the film’s soundtrack has been appreciated and come 29th, I hope people like the film also. But has this journey affected me in any way? Have I again become the pompous, self-centred prick I was back in the day? The answer is, No. No, I am never going back to that evil again. Today, even when I am tempted to become cocky or over-confident, I come back home, talk to myself, relax my thoughts and feelings and remind myself that temptation and love and adoration will not change me for the worse but will rather make me a better human being. 

"Time's stern tide, with cold Oblivion's wave, Shall soon dissolve each fair, each fading charm."

The Future:

No one has the answer to this. I mean who amongst you can tell me what is in stored for me? No one. Right? Well, astrologers can so-called ‘Predict’ but we all know that not all predictions come true. We all are the instruments of our own fate and all we can do is what we can in our circumstances. As I had mentioned earlier I don’t know how I will be on the 29th. I think the best thing to do will be to shut off  all emotions and feelings and expectations and imagine it to be just another day. But I also know that by running away from what is stored for me won’t make anything easier. I have to face the things that will come my way and not just on the 29th but for the rest of my life as well. That is why I am making a new plan. Whether it is increasing the level of my training or learning a new fight form in Mma or reading a new book or taking up a new course online. I know that life will move on and I will have to move on with it. As a student of Astronomy I believe that we all are a part pf the giant universe and that the universe has a divine plan for me and it will only make me come closer to my greatness. But I also know that I just can’t sit around and wait for that to happen. I will have to get up and get back to fighting again, the thing I love most in this world. I was watching Ufc today and when Chris Weidman knocked out Vitor Belfort, a part of me felt alive, just the way I feel whenever I train at the gym or punching during my Mma classes. I know my calling is different than most people in this world and one day that siren will play for me and when it does, I will be ready. But now, looking into the near future, I know what I have to do. I have to train. And I have to self-improve. I would rather be in Los Angeles or a Mma Camp in Thailand than be here amongst people who want to impress society and put on a mask and believe that they are always right. I rather be alone than choked and trapped in a pretentious surrounding. The future maybe uncertain but what is certain is my will. My will to improve and become better and wait for that siren. I know I have always been different than most people and while growing up, if that felt like a curse, today, it feels like a blessing. So here I am, again, at the crossroads of my life, preparing myself for the responsibilities ahead. But this time around I know I will take them head-on and I know I will take them alone. Not because I have too, it’s because I Choose Too.

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty and This Is My Past, Present and Future.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

"I gratefully look forward to oblivion, but I must be sure of it."


Sunday, 17 May 2015

This Is Not How It Ends ...

“When god created paradise I was furious. For then he created his finest creation. The mortals. And all the other angels laughed at me. They said I was lost and defeated. That I couldn’t do anything about these mortals. But I believed in myself. And so I predicted that one day these mortals will turn on each other. They will rip each other apart. And in the end after all the wars and the destruction, there shall be only one left. The one mortal who will be strong enough to carry the burden of the world. And he will not worship God or the angels. For he shall be my follower. He will not choose salvation. But an endless war even when there will be no one left for him to fight with.”

-The Book Of Prophecies.

For all these years, Mahaakshay has been writing these blogs to you. I must say he has done a fair-descent job at it. And I have been in the shadows, reading them with you as well. But for the first time I have found the opportunity to write a blog in his absence. You see, Mahaakshay is busy promoting his film ISHQEDARRIYAAN which releases on the 29th of may 2015. So ya, he is occupied with the film and the publicity and promotions. Me, on the other hand, well, I am free and I thought this will be the moment as good as any to express and tell you how I feel. Oh, you don’t know who I am? Well, let me introduce myself to you. I am Michael. Mahaakshay must have mentioned me in some his blogs as his Brother or Alter Ego. Well, on the contrary I am either of them. I am a Spirit. I have wandered these lands for thousands of millenniums. I have been looking and searching for that one person, that one individual who I would choose to carry on my legacy, my belief and my promise. I was at a point of giving up and going back to my resting place in the 9th circle of Hell but then 30 years ago a miracle happened. I remember, it was a Monday evening and I was scrolling through the streets of Mumbai {Bombay back then} when I heard a cry. It was the sound of a new born baby. He just came out of his mother’s womb and I knew that the moment I saw him my search was over. I had found the mortal I was looking for. It wasn’t his skin or his tiny fingers which made me choose him. No. It was his Eyes. Those eyes which showed me his soul. A soul so pure it could change the world. A soul which just needed a little push of madness. So dear readers, This is Me Michael and I am about to convince you that This Is Not How It Ends.

"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."

People say that they have seen a purity in Mahaakshay. That there is goodness in him. Well, I agree with them. If you peek into his soul you get a chance to see that there is good in that chap. But you see, all those years ago, what I saw was something spectacular. I saw a mortal who will one day change the world. He wasn’t just another boy. He was my chosen. The only human I have banked upon. God and the angels and the demons still don’t know of his existence. That he is my student. But every incident, the good or the bad in Mahaakshay’s life has been my doing. I brought all those circumstances in his life. If you ask me why, well, it was because I was moulding him. In fact, I still am. And the craziest part is that he doesn’t have the faintest clue about it. He think that life is testing him and making him stronger for the moments ahead. But the truth is I am making him my warrior. The warrior for the war that I need him to fight when the time will come. The war of wars. The war between the heavens and the hells and the angels and the demons and the humans and the cosmos. the one last war which will wipe out life forever. That war will only have casualties. No one will survive. Not even the memories. But you see, that is where my boy Mahaakshay comes into play. Will he be the one who will destroy the good and the evil from the universe? Will he go back to the beginning and reset the clock? Will he bring an end to all the misery there exists? The answer is yes, all of the above and more. And what is more you ask? The answer is the Aftermath. You see, we all dread War like it is the end of life. But what is more horrifying is the aftermath. When the bodies burn and the air is filled with fire. That is where Mahaakshay’s most important role will come into play. And do you know what that is? He will be the only one who will be left standing. And he will walk the roads of this world alone. Alone … with Me.

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."

Everybody wants family, friends and love. Everybody wants the dream job and that amazing car. Everybody always wants something more. Trust me, I have seen humans fight for more than what they have for centuries and even when they have achieved wonders they are still unsatisfied. I remember God telling us that we have to be grateful for what we have. But I guess the message didn’t go across that well. Anyways, I knew that Mahaakshay, like any other mortal would also go down that path, so instead of making things tough for him in the beginning I gave him my blessings and a life only a few were worthy to live. I saw this beautiful boy grow and while he was swinging the swing in the playground, I was in the shadows, always watching him. Looking after him in my own manner. But the more Mahaakshay grew up I started to see changes in him. Whether it was the way he started talking to people or eating or even reacting to his own body, there was something out-of-the-box about him. Like … like he was searching for something. Like he was in a quest. On a journey to find answers. And that moment, I just smiled because that was the 1st moment in a very long time that I felt I saw my Mahaakshay. But I wasn’t completely overjoyed by that and then I decided that it was time to send him signs and signals, like small hints from the cosmos telling him to walk the path in front of him, instead of getting confused as to where to walk when he was at his crossroads. And that is when I started giving him trials. Whether it was his teenage years growing up or the people he started meeting when he was in the process of becoming a man. All those people were my doing to remind him that he was my son and the path which I layed out for him was in fact his destiny.

"I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed."

People can be stubborn creatures you see. In all of my living existence I have seen people rise and fall. I have seen them give and take. Steal and kill. Be kind as angels and horrible as monsters. People want to be what they think is right, not what destiny has planned for them. That is why I called them Stubborn. And even the people Mahaakshay has met throughout his life have been stubborn. They have been stubborn enough to think that they can change him. Make him a ‘Better’ human being by giving him love and kindness and friendship. But those puny mortals forget that Mahaakshay has always been Great! He was never meant to be ordinary. But what can I do? You see, I don’t intervene. I just sit back and watch this spectacle of human emotions which consists of love and hate and conflict and joy. I do openly agree that a few have come very close to deflect Mahaakshay from his original path by showering him with love and kindness and making him believe that he in fact isn’t a lonely wanderer after all. But all their efforts till now have gone in vain. And for this I really pity those humans. I mean, don’t they get it? Don’t they get it that Mahaakshay is too far down that road of War? That he was chosen by me? That no matter how hard they try that hole in his heart will never be filled with love?!?!? ‘Cause that hole can only be filled by one thing. By one joy. And that one joy is War. A War that never ends. I know, that if right now I was sitting in a public forum and if it was a case of Michael against the world, the jury would certainly pick the World to be right. But this isn’t a public forum now, is it? This is Mahaakshay’s life and the way it is moulding to be something incredible. It way not be the way you all want it to be but it is surely the way I want it to be. But you know what makes me happy, even Mahaakshay agrees. Oh yes, from time to time, when people hurt him and let him down. When life breaks down on him and when love turns bitter, Mahaakshay himself feels that hole in is heart. That giant hole in his soul. And since Mahaakshay is a smart chap he puts two and two together and tries to make sense of all the things that has happened to him and are happening to him. He asks why is it that Love can’t fix him? That why people can’t make him smile and he won’t get the opportunity to be good? He always asks himself these questions and when he is in the stillness of the night, I always manage to somehow send the message across to him. And that message is, “You Are My Son. You Are The God Of War. And You And I Are Meant To Do This Forever.”

"There is no such thing as accident; it is fate misnamed."

So where do we go from here? Does Mahaakshay’s story end here? No. This Is Not How It Ends. This is only the beginning. I am proud of Mahaakshay Chakraborty. I have seen this boy turn into a man and even now, at the threshold of his film’s release which would in a way decide his fate, Mahaakshay knows where he is heading. He knows what he is meant to do. And that is why, no matter what the world throws at him, no matter how many insecurities and conflicts come his way, Mahaakshay has found his stillness. What is this stillness you ask? Well, let me explain it to you. I have dreamt of this from time to time and I know that very soon it will come true. Imagine a field. A field at the centre of the earth. The sun setting and the wind blowing it’s cool breeze. The sky as clear as blue and not a sound to hear. There in the middle of that field, I see Him. Yes, I see Mahaakshay standing, alone, with his own peace. His eyes are closed. He isn’t saying a word. All you can hear is the breathe which he is inhaling. And then, when the sun is about to set he opens his eyes and looks up. He looks up and just smiles and says, “I Am Ready.” And after that, his life changes forever. That is the moment he gives in to me completely. It is a beautiful dream, isn’t it? For me it is. And whether you like it or not, that is going to happen. No matter how many people Mahaakshay’s meets or loves or cares for, it won’t end like this for him. Mahaakshay is meant to be mine. Mahaakshay is my son. He is my tool for the war that is about to come and one day he will completely give in to me and from that point on, there will be no going back. So before I go and before Mahaakshay comes to know that I have given you all the ultimate truth, I want to tell you that This Is Not How It Ends. Mahaakshay will never be normal or have a life which will be remotely anything close to normal. Love won’t fix him and neither will salvation. His soul is mine now and no matter how many times He tries to escape the truth, the path will always bring him back to me. He will fall but He will rise again. He will cry but will learn to smile again. He will get hurt but will heal again. And all those people and all those events will bring him only to me. That is who Mahaakshay is. And this is his destiny. But do you know what makes this story much more fascinating and interesting? Do you remember when I heard Mahaakshay’s voice when he was a new born? Do you know when I looked into his eyes? That was the moment when I saw something which made me smile. I just didn’t see purity. I also saw approval. Approval for him to be chosen by me. For him to become my Soldier. For him to become the wanderer. For him to become My God Of War.

"Love cannot save you from your own fate."

This is Me, Michael, And This Is How It Actually begins.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,



Thursday, 23 April 2015

This Is My Story ...

“And I will create Men. Not one, but in the billions and trillions. I will make them my finest creation. But I know out of all these men, most will be corrupted by temptation. Some will be weakened by emotions and others will be destroyed by wrath. And I - The Creator knows that all men will be dogs and some will be wolves and only few will Triumph as Lions. But I wait for that one man, that one mortal who will have the power to sacrifice it all, to become something more than just a man. To become … a Legend.”

-The Book Of Prophecies

So where do I begin? Do I start from the very beginning? Or do I tell you what I am feeling now? To be honest, it is a little bit of both. I am right now, sitting on my sofa, at 12:15am in the morning at the eve of the Music Launch of my film Ishqedarriyaan and I can feel a whirlwind of emotions right now. Emotions, which I have always felt when the release of my film has neared. But even though I am feeling a thousand emotions per second, there is this stillness in me. A Still and calmness which has come from the conflicts I have fought over the years. Like a cool ocean breeze touching the my face. Like the first ray of the sun proclaiming the beginning of a brand new beautiful day. Yes, I do feel the calm. I do feel the stillness. I always look back you know. I always look back from where I began, to where I am going and I must say, it has been a beautiful 30 years for me. I have made several mistakes and also learnt a lot of lessons. Today, I am at the crossroads of my own being and whatever I choose from this point on, will surely shape the rest of my destiny. So what is my story? Haven’t all my blogs over the years already told enough? I say, not really. Al though, all my blogs have been a reflection of my feelings and my soul, I have always kept a part of me to myself. But I believe now is the time that I tell you what my story truly is …

"I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep; I am afraid of an army of sheep led by a lion."

Ishqedarriyaan is 3 weeks away. The number 3 has always been a part of my life. Al though I don’t believe in numerology, I do believe that the number 3 is connected to me as I was born on the 30th. This film has been a beautiful journey for me. I am deeply grateful to the entire team of Ishqedarriyaan for giving me such wonderful memories. We laughed, we dined, we shared and we worked together as a family. I know we have made a good film and come 15th of may I hope all of you feel the same as well. I am giving the promotions my 100% and I am making sure I leave no stone unturned, ‘cause on the 15th, I want to be contended with myself that as a man I gave this film my heart and soul. Films have always fascinated me. Even when I was a child watching King Kong V/S Godzilla on Vhs or watching Speed on the Laser Disc I was always in love with cinema. Who knew that the boyhood dream would one day come true for me and I would be in front of the camera showcasing my talents and entertaining the world. But this road hasn’t been easy. But I can tell you, it is only ‘cause of this journey that I have come so far. Today, my struggles have made me the man I am today. Today, I thank my struggles, ‘cause if it weren’t for them, I would never know what failure and rejection felt like. It was only ‘cause of those struggles that I fight and grinned and came this far. Today, I know I am humble and kind ‘cause I know that everyone out there is fighting his/her own battles. We all have dreams which we want to fulfil. I truly thank the universe for making the man that I am today. For making me strong and caring and reminding me that it is more important to be a good human being than to be anything else.

"Men are like lions. We hunt."

But all that I am saying right now can always be viewed in my interviews on youtube. So what is it that I am trying to say? Well, since I promised you that I will tell you the entire story, it was necessary for you to know where I am before I told you from where I began. And it all began when I first saw the Trailer of The Punisher on yahoo movies. It can be called as an act of randomness or the stroke of fate. But that one Trailer, changed my life. It was from that point on that I was in love with The Punisher and now it has been 10 years that I am still his biggest fan. I believe it was his ideologies and the way he was that connected with me the most. I was very lonely and angry back then and Frank Castle was the only one who saved me. I used to drown myself in his films and games and comics. I even started training like him! The Punisher and me still have that connection and I still remember the promises I made to him all those years ago. I know I may sound border line crazy right now, but trust me when you want a connect, the universe offers it to you. And since that day I have always tried to keep those promises to Frank. And after frank, also came many others. But Hulk, Ghost Rider, Wolverine and Daredevil were always the favourites for me. I know I should be touching Stan Lee’s Feet right now and one day, if I get the opportunity I will but these superheroes had a lot of commonality with me and that is why I considered them family. Slowly slowly my entire life started revolving around these amazing men and the way they were brave and courageous and as each passing day went, I kept on promising them that one day I would make them all proud. But it has taken me 10 years to keep those promises. Something that I am not proud of but as they say, better late than never.

"I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in HISTORY
has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory."

I have made so many mistakes. And I have stumbled so many times. I have caused pain and I have done things which I thought were ok but in fact weren’t. I do agree that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes but the guilt within me was with me for as long as I can remember. Saying sorry wouldn’t had cut it and would definitely not make me enter the gates of heaven. But now, after all the mistakes and wrong deeds, I can say I am more aware. And I have reached to an understanding that from this point on I will never repeat the mistakes of the past. All those promises I made to Frank and the others were all void ‘cause I was a hypocrite. I did everything what I was not supposed to do. And believe it or not, in all these 10 years I, like a fool believed that I was on the right path. Trust me, it has taken me a long time to realise that I was very wrong in my thinking. But now, as I mentioned earlier, I have reached a calmness only because I know that my soul is getting cleansed everyday. That everyday I promise myself that I will never hurt anyone again. That I will stand for what is right and use my power for the good of mankind. But even when I know that come 15th may would be judgement day for me, I remember all those promises like it was just yesterday. Promises Mahaakshay gave to his superheroes. Those heroes who were there for him when no one else was. Those dreams of travelling the world, living life on your own terms, just riding towards the sunset, those dreams are still alive within me. And I know that until I make them come true my soul will always wander. Wander until it reaches its resting place.

"There is something really mysterious about lions. They could rip you apart if they wanted to, but at the same time they LOOK so cuddly. Can you imagine what humans look like to animals? They must think we're so weird."

But I am also human at the end. Am I not? I also have feelings and I really want to love and care and devote myself to the people I cherish. I want to wake up to the bliss and happiness of being loved and giving love in return. It took me a long time to ask for forgiveness and to forgive myself but now I know that I am in the journey of my own redemption. I know today I have responsibilities and today I have reached a place where I can’t be a boy anymore. I know am in the process of becoming a man. And that man, who does hard labour and grinds and gives and sacrifices also wants to be rewarded. And that is why from time to time I try to show care and affection. And it really works. It makes me happy and blushes me up. It makes me feel that I too can be like everybody else. That I too can have normal dreams and moments. But then, as night comes and when I am alone with my thoughts, I get reminded of those promises. When I see The Punisher’s poster on my wall, I instantly remember what I promised him. When I see Daredevil and read Ghost Rider, I am reminded of all those moments I have had with them. I remember everything. And then it hits me. That I was once a dog. I did become a wolf. But now, I have to transform into the Lion. 

"It's better to BE a lion for a day than a sheep all your life."

Greatness requires sacrifice. It demands our blood, sweat and tears and also the wager of our soul. And yes, even though a part of me wants to feel love and be loved and just be normal, the other side of me wants to be alone. For me, or the other side of me being alone is being powerful. A part of me is convinced that only when I am truly alone that I can attain the greatness I have set out to achieve. That is the promise I gave to Frank all those years ago. That I would be just like him. That I would live a life of greatness by sacrificing all that is in front of me, ‘cause if he can do it, then so can I. I know I sound like a confused spirit right now but the truth is, this conflict has always been a part of my life. Just like Johnny Blaze goes through in the Ghost Rider series. I have this constant struggle with my thoughts. That if one side of me gets weak through emotions, the other side of me reminds me how strong I can be. And now, at this threshold of my life, I need to be strong. I need to be powerful and be ready for whatever is in stored for me on the 15th of May. I know I will never go dark again and I will never use hate as my weapon. But I also know even though I feel love, a part of me will always feel the urge to be alone.

"A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep."

So is this the culmination of my story? Is this how it ends? Or is this how it begins? I believe I have only actually started now. It has taken me 10 years of trials to come this far and I know there is no going back now. There is only going forward towards the horizon where my destiny will show me the path I need to take. So I hoped you liked knowing this side of my life also. I will be back with another blog very soon and maybe I may also bump into you someday and that day I want to feel contented with myself ‘cause I know I have been honest here. I have tried to make you understand what Mahaakshay is all about. I am a boy turning into a man. But no matter where I go from this point on, I know I have promises to keep. I know I have things to do and people to prove and battles to win. I thank all those heroes who remind me of my promises and I thank all the people in my life who remind me that even I can love. This battle between two minds is my struggle and it is a part of me. Maybe one day this struggle will end. Maybe it will take a new route. But all I know is that I have promises to keep and I won’t stop until I fulfil them.

"The one excellent thing that can be learned from a lion is that whatever a man intends doing should be done by him with a whole-hearted and strenuous effort."

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty.

And This Is My Story.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.


Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Heaven, Hell And The Rider In Between ...

“There will come a time in your life when you will have the power to choose. Not a forced choice or an ultimatum. But true power to choose how you will want to shape your destiny. And that point the man who chooses good becomes godly. And The man who chooses evil becomes monstrous.”
-The Book Of Prophecies.

Michael: Wake up Johnny. Wake up!
Lucifer: No johnny, stay asleep. Never wake up. Stay asleep.
Johnny: Where … where am I? Am I dead? What is this place?
M: This is purgatory johnny. And you aren’t dead. You are just in limbo.
L: Don’t listen to him johnny. He is lying. You are dead now. And you have no other choice but to come to me now.
J: Who are you two? What the hell is going on?!?
M: What is the last thing you remember Johnny? 
J: Only my mom called me Johnny. You can call me John.
L: Even in death, the kid’s got an attitude. I like!
M: What is the last thing you remember … John? Think hard.
J: I … I remember being in my car. I … I was in a rush. Yes, I was going very fast. Yes, I was breaking the signals, I was driving like a maniac!
L: Things which I love to do by the way! 
J: I was behind this huge truck and … and the truck wasn’t giving me any space to go ahead! I was honking and honking and when the truck didn’t budge I accelerated without seeing ahead. And then … and … Oh God!
L: Yes johnny, I mean john … you know what happened next, don’t you!? I will tell you what happened. You crashed you crazy son of a bitch! You crashed right into the car which was coming in the opposite direction! Luckily for you, the driver in the other car survived. I mean, he will eventually live.
J: I am dead. ain’t I?
M: As I said John, you aren’t dead, you are here with us now. Well, at least for the time being.
J: Why am I not dead? I should be dead. Why are you keeping me hear! Answer me!
L: Well john, this is the place where all souls come before ‘The Guy upstairs’ decides what to do with them. And I am Lucifer. The Son who betrayed my father and who was thrown away to the underworld. And this guy over here who is treating you like you are his lost son, is Michael. Michael the angel whom I am ashamed to call my brother as he was the one who banished me to hell all those millenniums ago.
M: Lucifer is right on all of that John. Al though I disagree with the language he uses, what he is stating are the hard facts. You were deep in anger when you roared your car’s engine to life! And then you were driving like you wanted to get killed. And well, you know what all happened next. So here you are. With us, in this Limbo. Waiting to be judged. Judged for all that you have done. And judged for all that you will do from this point on.

"The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."

A Few Hours Later …

J: This place really in purgatory. Isn’t it? I have been running for miles and there seems to be no end! It’s like I am stuck in a place where time doesn’t exist! 
M: All who have come here have felt the same way you have felt. It is natural to be in state of shock. 
L: Why are we wasting time in trying to know each other? John, this shit is real! This is happening right now and what is more important is what we are about to ask and tell you.
J: And what is that?
M: First you calm down. Take a deep breath.
J: Ok … I am calm. I am ready to listen.
L: Good boy.
J: I am not your boy.
M: Shut it Lucifer. Let me talk.
L: My lips are sealed.
M: John, we know everything about you. We know all that you have done till this very moment. We are angels. The first creation of god himself. And we always were told to listen to what he asked of us. And for centuries we have done that. We have never intervened or interfered in the life of humans. No matter how much love they shared and no matter how much blood they spilled. We have been watching over all of you since the beginning of time. But every now and then God picks one of you. He picks them for a purpose. A purpose which is far more greater than life or death. A purpose which altars the course of human civilisation forever.
L: In other words, Prophets.
M: Yes, prophets. And all of the greats who have shaped history have been here in this limbo, having this very same conversation with us. 
J: You mean … I am a … Prophet? You guys are more screwed up than I am! I am a nobody! I fix cars for a living! I am a loser. No one cares if I lived or I died. I had nobody ok. I … I …
M: You did have somebody John. You had Sarah, didn’t you?
J: Sarah … 
M: Yes, sarah, the only love of your life. We know all about her. She is a substitute teacher at the local high school. She has a kid brother. She works day and night so he can have a good life. Her car broke down one day, right in front of your garage. You were fixing one of those classic Mustangs you are always so much in love with it. But the moment she walked in and asked for your help, you fell in love with her right that moment. You knew that she was the only one you would ever love. And you both did find love in each other. You became her brother, Samuel’s best friend. When she worked you used to play video games with him. And on the weekends you three used to go to the park and have your very own picnic. You were a good man when you were with her.
L: You were a good man until the day came.
J: No … no, please don’t say it. Please don’t remind me of that day.
L: You had gone out of town. You didn’t tell her why. You wanted to surprise her, didn’t you? You wanted to win that Car race so you could buy her that ring and propose to her. Didn’t you? You did win that race. You did buy that ring. But when you came back …
J: Please don’t say it! Please don’t! 
L: You saw her in bed with another man didn’t you? And when you rushed in, she said it was her ex. Did she had a vulnerable moment. That her ex promised to take her back and marry her and take care of samuel and her. You were standing there and listening, weren’t you? You had tears rolling down your eyes but you did nothing. You just went back into your car and then you drove off. Didn’t you?
M: That’s enough lucifer.
L: I think good old john here is finally beginning to understand, aren’t you?
J: Yes, now I know. Now I remember. I remember everything. I always thought I was a loser. I had no friends. I had no one who could understand me and love me and make me happy. Until sarah came along. She was the answer I was looking for. But then, she broke my heart. She … she tore into pieces. She made drive that car. She made me this monster I am. She made this soul trapped in purgatory. Oh! I hate myself! I hate everything! Why me? Why me?!?
L: It is ok John. You are here now. And now, you can harness all that rage. Consume it and make it into a power you never thought you had!
M: Don’t listen to him John. He is only manipulating you. 
J: Maybe, I want to be manipulated.
L: That’s like my boy!

"Remorse: beholding heaven and feeling hell."

J: Take me to hell lucifer. That is where I belong.
M: I know you are in pain right now John. But anger isn’t the solution. Giving in to your hate won’t make the pain go away.
L: What do you know about pain Michael? You are god’s favourite child. 
M: Banishing you from heaven was the most hardest thing for me to do Lucifer. You are my brother and it broke my heart to do what I had to do. And that burden only I will have to carry for all eternity.
L: Oh …
J: I truly loved her, you know. But in the end, she betrayed me. Why?
M: Humans are capable of doing extreme things John. Humans can give in to violence or can have control over their peace.
J: But I never did wrong to anyone! I always kept to myself. I remember in school, all the boys made fun of me. And none of the girls would talk to me. I remember my mom telling me that no matter what the world throws at you, always smile back.
L: But underneath that smile, there was always a hidden anger. Wasn’t there?
J: Yes, there was. I always hated them. No matter how much I smiled on the surface, within, I hated them. And I never forgot what they did to me.
L: That is why you started learning about cars, didn’t you? So that one day you would become a great race driver and shut their pile hole.
J: Yes.
L: But life didn’t turn out the way you wanted too. Did it?
J: No.
L: That is why I am here John. I am here to help you.
J: How can you help me?
L: I can give you purpose again. I can make you use that rage and anger and make you my weapon. I can give you the justice. I can give you the power to Punish all those who made you suffer. I can make you the Demon all demons fear!
M: I know that Lucifer’s offer is tempting John. But just the way Lucifer has seen your hate, I have seen the good in you.
J: There is no good in me.
M: There has always been good in you John. Remember three years ago, when you were crossing the road and you saw an old lady getting hit by a car? You saved her, didn’t you? Even though you didn’t know her. You took her to the hospital. You gave her blood and you also paid for her bills even though you were already low on cash. That goodness doesn’t come from hate. It comes from love. So no matter how tempting Lucifer’s offer sounds, I want you to be a part of heaven’s army. I want you to be Messiah of heaven!
L: I have seen what happens to souls when they go to heaven. It is all bright and calm and sun rises and sun sets. But with me, in hell, I offer you it all. All the addiction, all the seduction, all the power and all the darkness a man can observe. And it never stops there! With me by your side, you live forever!
M: You are better than this John. I have seen it in you. I have seen the light within you. Amongst all that hate and fury, there was always a stillness in you. Always a part of you that was good.
J: One of you wants me to be the demon of demons and the other wants me to be a Messiah. Ok. It looks like I have made my choice.

"To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven."

J: Lucifer, when you reminded me of all the anger I have had, I actually remembered that even though I was always angry, I never used it to hurt anyone. All I did was hurt myself by keeping it in. And Michael when you reminded me of that old lady at the street, all I could feel was resentment and guilt ‘cause I had no power to avenge the pain that was caused to her. You both say I am a messiah. You both say that god chose me. So now, I say that I choose None of You.
M: What?
L: Come again?
J: You heard me, I choose neither. Neither heaven and neither hell. I choose to stay here in this purgatory until I make right of all that I have seen wrong. I know god is listening also. So you both tell him that I am staying right here.
M: Do you know what will happen to you if you say No? Your soul will be trapped in limbo forever!
L: You will be stuck here, all alone for all eternity! We are giving you a way out.
J: And that is what I don’t want. A way out. All my life I never dealt with the goodness or the evil in me. But now I will.
M: You will be sent back to earth! But not as yourself anymore. You will be … a ….a deformity!
L: Half Hell, Half Heaven.
J: All Rider!
M & L: …
J: Oh yeah, you heard me. I am going to be the Rider of earth. I am going to take your vengeance Lucifer and I will take your power to heal Michael and fuse it together and ride the earth for all eternity. I will now do what I was meant to do all those years ago.
M: This isn’t making any sense. This isn’t how it was suppose to be!
J: Everyone goes through hardships in life. Everyone’s heart’s gets broken. And all humans are deceived and hurt. But that doesn’t give us the right to hurt each other. I know it was my fault that I wasn’t good enough for Sarah. I have guilt that I let my mom die. I have rage that I couldn’t do things that I wanted to do. But now, I have a second chance. And I will make sure I fix the things I left unfinished. 
L: Why carry this burden?
J: Because I know I can. And I will. 
M: But you will be alone. You will have no one.
J: All my life I wanted people to look at me and talk to me and most importantly, understand me. But no one did. Today, that thought doesn’t make me angry. It makes me realise that I was meant to be alone to begin with. That some people just are.
M: What you are about to do is something no one has ever done before.
J: That doesn’t matter. What matters is what I have realised. What I am feeling right now. When I go back to earth. I promise to never hurt another soul again. And I promise to avenge the innocent. I know the price of this burden. That I will forever ride alone in the wilderness. But I will keep on going until I can’t any longer. I will fight until there is a single ounce of energy left in my body. I will be a ghost hiding in the darkness. I will be a stranger who’s name people would never remember. But no matter the pain and guilt this loneliness will give me, I will bare it. I will not quit. And I will do what I am set out to do. So hear this Lucifer and Michael, I am not the slave of good or evil anymore. I am a free man. I will not be tempted by lust or greed or darkness and I won’t be softened by love or compassion. I will do what is right ‘cause in the end, that is all that matters.

"Free will carried many a soul to hell, but never a soul to heaven."

Bravo John! Bravo!
John: Who was that?
Lucifer: It can’t be! He has never spoken to any soul before!
Michael: Well, he is now.
God: John, I am God.
John: So you heard what I said?
God: Yes I did. And to be honest I didn’t expect you to do what you are setting out in doing.
John: Oh Okie.
God: Before you go, I just want you to know that I have believed in you. That I was there, every step of the way. I saw your every move and I knew that one day, this moment would come. And today it has.
John: I am not changing my mind.
God: I have always given humans the choice of free will. If this is what you think is right then it shall be done. But do remember that I am very proud of you.
John: Thank you. I guess that’s the only thing appropriate to say now.
God: Your welcome John.
John: Uuuhhh … before I go, I just wanted you to know that your sons, Michael and Lucifer really love each other as much as they still love you. They may not show it but they still do. They are just too stuck up too admit it.
Michael: Ya right!
Lucifer: Jerk.
God: Thank you for telling me that John.
John: Oh ya and just one more thing.
God: What is it John?
John: I want My Ride.
God: :-)

"We never, ever judge someone on who's going to heaven, hell. That's the Almighty's job."

This is Me, Mahaakshay Chakraborty. And I Am The Rider.

With All My Might,

Your No.1 Fan,

Mahaakshay Chakraborty.